10 (free) gifts to give a new family in town

10 (free) gifts to give a new family in town

I've moved to 4 states, both as a single and married woman. While there is a monetary side to moving, I learned that the things money can't buy can be as valuable if not more. Here are the gifts you can give a new family (or person) in your community.

1 • Information • Moving is stressful for many reasons. The lack of knowing where to go to get things done is difficult. Most people don't blindly move somewhere. They do their research online. The moment you arrive in town, there is an immense information gap between locals and newcomers. Asking, "What do you need to know?" is a good way to start. I remember asking multiple questions about schools. I asked for service recommendations, among other things. Information is power and freedom when you are new in town.  

2 • Empathy • You don't have to understand to empathize. Empathy is a gift because you get to affirm the person where she is, as she is. Moving an entire life is difficult, and it is elating. It is stressful and depending on where you come from, it may be easy to do. Empathy does not judge or ask questions, but it stands firm in solidarity.

3 • A listening ear • I walked across the street during move number three, and I met an older woman who was a good listener. She asked me a simple question that unleashed a lot of what was trapped in my heart. She listened and she shook her head. She said, "It sounds like you are having a tough time." She didn't try to fix my problem. She gave me the rare gift of a listening ear. I saw many other people during that time. I experienced listening was channeled toward making a judgment. Some had a need to put me in a box. Listening can be a gift when the hearer listens without condemnation. I believe you don't have to understand to listen well. The gift of listening surfaces when we give attention to matters of the heart.

4 • Encouragement • Inserting courage into someone's life is one of the best gifts we can give. We can do it with words. We can do it by believing in them. Newcomers need a lot of encouragement because moving is not the end of the story. They need to make a life in this new place. They will face obstacles and challenges. Encouragement is like water in a parched land. You and I can offer it daily with our words.  

5 • Access to your friend group • If you consider the surrounding culture, this may be the most difficult thing to give. Some of us worked hard and long to build a friend group. How in the world are we supposed to give access to a new person? What if they mess up our perfect mix of people? If we consider life God's way, we will freely give newcomers access to our friend group. How so? God is generous. There is nothing stingy about the God of the Bible. He is also a giver. I believe I should be the same way. Giving newcomers access to our friend group can be as simple as introducing the new person to the best people we know. Introducing people is a joy. I know that if I work on my trust issues and I don't judge the new person through my past friendship hurts, I can see some awesome connections starting.

6 • Invitation to groups of interest • People arrive in town with a resume of groups of interest. As you listen, recommend local groups they can join. Joining groups can be a great way to feel connected to the community.

7 • Occasional check-ups • Feeling forgotten is one of the worst parts of moving. Checking on the newcomer and their family, fosters hope that the transition to the new community will pass. Checking on people can be quick yet beneficial. Realizing someone is thinking about you is a blessing.

8 • Room to Belong • The worst places to live are communities where you are legally allowed to be there but you can't belong. The simplest way to make room to belong is verbally telling people they are wanted and needed. I was at the end of a long run and a founding member of my running group enthusiastically told me, "I am so glad you are here! We need you! We need your ideas. We want this organization to grow and we need you to be an active part of it." I was happily surprised. This organization meant what they said. They literally made room for me to belong as a leader. In contrast, I've been part of groups where you are told in word and deed that you do not belong. There is always something wrong with the way you do things, along with the way you are. In that case, I was not trying to lead, I was just trying to be part of the group. Thankfully, I found room to belong with a smaller group of friends. Their gift of friendship, presence, and encouragement showed me that there was room in their hearts for me to be myself. I invite you to consider the ways you personally make room for new people to belong.

9 • Prayers • God hears and answers prayers. I find it imperative to pray for newcomers. I also let them know I am praying for them.

10 • Service • Newcomers may not need you to build a deck with them but it doesn't hurt to check how we can serve. Some want someone to talk to. I once needed a friend to hold my baby while I took a quick shower. 11 years later, I am still grateful for that act of service. Please remember that some won't tell you what they need unless you ask.

I pray that these gifts unleash increasing generosity and compassion towards hundreds of people who move to your community every month. 

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Everyday actions

Small actions matter. Don't take yours for granted.

I've been amazed at the power of small actions. I'm especially grateful to them when I have a large project ahead of me. 

Running my first marathon seemed quite unfathomable if it wasn't for the power of small actions. 

My first action was to sign up for the race. My next small action was to join a running club. The club gave me a plan that helped me go from couch to marathon. My next small action was to follow that plan each week. My finisher medal proves that small actions matter. 

You probably practiced small actions before. They led you to graduate from high school. Small actions led you to your wedding day. Small actions are powerful if we use them. 

This past week, I used small actions to lead me to a healthy week. Some of my kids had been sick. I had household chores and work to do. While everything felt overwhelming, I decided to stop and think about any small actions that could help me be healthier. My motivation is to be strong to take care of everyone and everything God graciously blesses me with. 

Here are a few small actions I took:
• I isolated the sick kids
• I made a list of medicines and groceries I needed 
• I cleaned bathrooms as needed (there was a bit of body fluid going on)

• I decided to wash dishes as soon as I used them
• I canceled all my appointments 
• I decided to rest 
• I set a goal for exercise for that week 

I'm grateful to God my kids got well. Shortly after, we had guests at home. Small actions I took allowed me to get our home quickly ready. 

The reason why I was able to get my home quickly ready for guests, it was because I decluttered our home consistently. Because things were decluttered and organized, I was able to find everything I needed for our guest. 

The small actions I took that led me to quickly get ready for guests:

• I decluttered the guest room
• I decluttered our linen closet
• I decluttered the guest bathroom
• I put everything my guest needed in the guest bedroom 
• I cleaned the guest room

The key for me was not to get overwhelmed with the enormity of the tasks but to take small actions daily. 

I breakdown my small decluttering actions in the following way:
• Get all supplies ready (trash bags, cleaning supplies, water bottle, cell phone)
• Start the timer in my cell for 45 minutes 

• Declutter for 45 minutes 

• Rest or do whatever I want for 15 minutes 

Following this process has led me to get and stay organized. 

Recently, my small action was to prep and pre-pack 3 days of food for myself. I prepped grilled chicken, broccoli, salad, hummus, and chicken salad. These foods were easily accessible and they allowed me to add a lot of nutrition to my week. When I eat better, I feel better.

I remember being overwhelmed by so many different projects. I remember thinking that the enormity of the tasks meant they were impossible to accomplish. Now I know that small actions matter. I no longer take them from granted. 

Which small action will you take today?

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Marathon training: from friendliness to deep friendships

Marathon training season starts in a few weeks. This will be officially the first season I won't train with my old running group. 

Although I moved after last year's training season started, I went back for a few key runs. I also became a virtual head coach instead of an in-person coach. I guess I was ahead of my time, considering all of this COVID-19 stuff.

I finished what I started (thank God) and marathon number 6 was a wrap.

I decided to sign up for another marathon this Winter because I thought it would be a good goal to pursue. Before the official training starts, I am working on eliminating extra body weight.

I have run enough to know that the extra weight only impedes my progress. I don't want to be on weight loss mode all my life. I want to reach my goal and proceed to maintenance. I have a great chance to reach my weight loss goal and I will reach it before the end of the year.

Back to running. I'm glad I learned a lot about myself these past 6 marathons. I know how to run with a group and I know how to run alone. 

Both skills are very important. My thing is, I don't want to be stuck. I need to be able to adapt to my surroundings so I can reach my running goals. 

One time, the weather was awful and I ran 17 miles on a treadmill. I don't recommend it but that experience taught me to press on and accomplish my goal.

Running with a group is an acquired skill. The running community is generally friendly. The problem some people run into is turning that friendliness into deep friendships. Some runners remain acquaintances after decades of running together. Others develop deep friendships that last a lifetime. 

I don't think there is a secret to developing deep friendships with people. It all depends on the individual and where they are in life. I will write more about this in a later post. 

As a newcomer to a group, you will notice small groups in existence. Most groups are friendly and they do not mind you running with them. Some groups say they are friendly but they are really closed groups running in public. 

It doesn't take long for me to figure out these dynamics. I often ask myself, "should I try to belong to this group who clearly does not want me to be part of them or do I find another way?" 

That's when my skill of running solo or with a group comes in handy. I've had to do both and I'm okay with both. What I try not to do is to be hurt because a group or a person does not want me to run with them. 

Running doesn't discriminate but runners sometimes do. Reaching my running goals while cultivating a forgiving heart is better than getting frustrated with trying to belong to a closed running group.

I've learned to pray about everything, running included. My prayer is that God will lead me to the right people and vice-versa. When I focus on the vice-versa part of the equation, I feel better.

For example, I noticed a lot of people around me were trying to belong to the running community. I thought about my experiences as a runner and as a minority runner. I decided to be a safe space, an encouraging force to anyone who will receive me. I decided to act on this belief.

I verbalize the following: "I am glad you are here. You belong. You don't have to jump any hoops or do anything special to be part of us. You belong just as you are and we want you to feel you are part of us.  Here is my number if you ever need it."

This statement makes my heart's intentions crystal clear. I also find that instead of waiting for someone to do this for me, I can freely offer it to others.

Focusing on the positive is the best way to live and run.

This training season will be different. I dearly miss the familiarity of my old running group. Still, I will learn more about myself. I will bring all that I am to my upcoming training season.

Most runners I met in the past are great people. I met a lot of welcoming, genuine people. My share of bad experiences does not represent the overwhelming good I receive from the running community.

I am thankful for what was. I look forward to what will be. I am committed to being a force for God's goodness in my local running community. I want to be welcoming, encouraging and I want to see my friends reach their running goals.

Here's to a brand new long-distance running season. My heart is free, my whole being is ready to accomplish another marathon. 

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How to Number our Days

I loved going to weekday women's meeting at my church growing up. My grandmothers were always  present, armed with their Bible and a Methodist Hymnal.

When we finished the meeting, every woman, girl, and boy in the room sang the motto of the women's society as loud as our lungs would allow us. It went like this:

"E seja sobre nós 

A graça do Senhor 

E confirma sim confirma

A obra das nossas mãos

Amém!" 

The translation is:

"Be upon us 

the grace of the Lord 

and establish 

Yes establish

The work of our hands

Amen!" 

Now, how smart is it for a group of women to dismiss their meeting with such powerful prayer? I thank God for the women who raised me. 

After we said our goodbyes, people moved on with the business of life. They moved on only after they asked God's blessing over the work of their hands. 

Have you ever thought about asking God to bless the work you do?

Enter life pre-COVID. Most women my age were busy working and volunteering (or they were busy complaining about all the stuff they signed up to do). 

Every year the same thing happened. People voluntarily signed up to do everything under the sun. At the end of the school year, there were parties, banquets, appreciations, etc. 

We forget that we are the masters of our schedules, not the other way around. 

We also forget that God is the master of our lives. He is well able to lead us towards the things we truly need to do. 

The truth is, we can't do everything.

Perception is everything in America. We all know that one of the ways to look successful is to sign up for a bunch of stuff and actually preside over the organizations that will give us more clout. 

Some women end up hating their own lives because they can't say no. I wonder if they know that this crazy lifestyle wasn't God's idea.

One of my mentors told me that this busy way of living, which leads people to be stretched thin by choice, is ungodly.

God's way is the only way to live well. Let's think of someone who deeply cared about God's ways: Moses.

Moses wrote Psalm 90, one of the oldest Psalms in the Bible.

The Psalm is described as a prayer. He starts by proclaiming God's eternity. 

Men and women are left with frailty at best.

God is eternal, He is all-powerful and we are not. 

Moses prays that God will teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom. 

So teach us to number our days,

That we may gain a heart of wisdom. 

Psalm 90:12 (NKJV)

The word for "teach", translated from yada, means "to know". The "us" is in italics in some versions of the Bible because it was most likely added by the translators so we can understand the writer better. 

If we go with what the writer wrote, we end up with "know to count our days." For what? That we may "apply" or "enter in" wisdom. Gain is another word that made sense for a lot of translators (and it is a good word). 

For our purposes, let's say that Moses asked God that we may know how to count our days so we can apply our hearts to wisdom. 

Let's be very honest and admit that God will most likely not tell us when we are out of here. He knows the day and the hour we are to die and for the majority of people, He does not reveal when that will be. 

So how in the world will we learn how to count our days?

I believe that's when choices come in the equation. 

God knows my end. He also knows what I should do in the between. 

He can teach me to number my days but I need to seek Godly wisdom to make my days count. God is able to teach me and I need to do my part. 

Here is an example of choices I made that were a waste of "numbering" my days. 

One time, I signed up to lead 5 or 6 different groups at church. 

My thought was: "there is a need and I need to fill it."

Did God give me the gift to lead? Yes. Is God pleased when I am stretched thin? No! 

Could God have told me which group I was supposed to lead? Yes. Did I ask? No. 

I learned that I couldn't do everything. During that time, I also discovered my physical health was deteriorating. I had to press pause in trying to save the world and change my lifestyle. 

I finished my commitment to the 6 groups. I took a break from leadership to take care of my health. Once my blood pressure was no longer high as a kite, I went back to leading one group. 

God is more than able to teach us to count our days. The only way our days will count is if we live them according to God's guidance and plan for our lives. 

Once you know what God wants you to do, you can ask Him to give you wisdom for everyday life. 

I know that right now, God is calling me to be Zeke's wife, the mother of our children, and a professional. 

Can I try to save the world again and sign up to lead 6 different groups in town? Yes. Will I do it? Well, you and I know it won't be wise. 

You have no idea how difficult it is for me to see a leadership need and to just sit quietly. I know there is a season and time for everything. When it is time to lead something outside of what I am currently doing, God will make it plain. 

Because there are opportunities to help everywhere. Here is what I realized:

I cannot do everything. 

I can't donate to every cause. 

I can't sign up for every meal train. 

So I won't. 

The things I choose to do, 

I will do with all my heart. 

I cannot control everything. 

I can't choose when this virus will end. 

I can't make everything go back to normal. 

So I won't. 

The things I can do, 

I will do with all my heart. 

With God's help

I will take care of my health. 

With God's help

I will care for my family. 

With God's help

I will work diligently as a professional. 

With God's help

I will respect my limits. 

With God's help

I will remember to pray.

With God's help

I will learn to number my days.

Only with God's help, 

I will gain a heart of wisdom.

That song from my childhood never left my heart. I am learning it to make it my daily prayer. I invite you to pray with me as we get ready to engage in the business of life:

"Be upon us 

the grace of the Lord 

and establish 

Yes establish

The work of our hands

Amen!" 

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Lessons from a job I didn't land

I drove 4 hours to a job interview.

They did not pay for the hotel or any expenses.
I went on my own because it seemed to be a good opportunity.
I was happy with my current job. Well, I was extremely happy to be more accurate. My husband accepted a job 4 hours away from where we lived so I thought I needed to apply for jobs in the area.
A new friend graciously hosted me for the night. The interview was scheduled for the day after I arrived. Other than the time, my interviewer did not send me any details.
At bedtime, I was afraid the gentleman was going to cancel the interview. He ended up sending me a message late that night with a schedule of events for the day.
I woke up early and drove to the place. Parking was mayhem. I couldn’t find a visitor’s spot. I did find an opening close to an officer giving parking tickets to infringers. I asked him where the visitor’s spots were. He told me I needed a permit. I told him I wasn’t given one and proceeded to call my interviewer.
He seemed to be bothered by something when he answered the phone. I calmly explained my situation. He said he didn’t have time to print a parking permit. He told me to tell the parking officer that he gave me permission. The officer didn’t seem to care but agreed not to give me a ticket. He said he couldn’t guarantee that the next person wouldn’t give me an expensive ticket.
I was missing my current job already.
I walked to the agreed location of the interview. All I couldn't think was: “Toto, we ain’t in Kansas anymore.”
I didn’t have a good feeling about the parking situation. I thought, “either this guy is a jerk or he needs a lot of help. Either way, be your whole self Cintia.”
The guy arrived at the agreed location late. He was pleasant. He told me the person in the position I was interested in usually takes care of those details. A wave of empathy filled my soul.
Two of his employees joined us for lunch. Everyone was a bit late but nice. We had a pleasant conversation. I was asked what I do. They listened attentively. I asked them a lot of questions as well. By the time the last person arrived, I had to repeat a few things. The last person dressed differently than everyone and she had a high opinion of herself and her accomplishments. She looked at me with a superiority air. She asked as few probing questions which I answered and then she asked, “You seem too confident. Do you even want this job?”
I made sure this question didn’t catch me off guard. My body still remembered the 400 unpaid miles I drove the day before. My mind was confused with the question yet, I was determined to keep my cool.
“Yes I want this job,” and I finished answering another set of questions.
The lady wasn’t satisfied with my demeanor or the way I was answering the questions the group had. The conversation was wrapping up when she said:
“My sister lives near Rice and there are six Indian restaurants in that area. We only have one Indian restaurant.”
Her co-workers were puzzled. Their faces showed confusion. They were mostly curious about where this one Indian restaurant was located. Once they were finished with that discussion, she continued:
“Tyler is a small town and Houston is big. Can you handle living in a small town?”
I replied confidently:
“My city is bigger than Houston. I’m from Rio de Janeiro. When I first came to the U.S. as well as most of my time here, I’ve lived in smaller towns. When we move to a community, we are not concerned about size. We are focused on making a good contribution to the good things that are already happening.”
She got quiet and that meeting was dismissed.
My next meeting was with the potential employer. It was nice to hear about what he does. The last part of the meeting was with some of the administrators. They were nice but very skeptical about my ability to learn their work.
I never had to say “I can learn the job” in so many different ways. I also had not heard the statement “you are very confident” so many times in a long time.
If you don't know me well, my confidence gets me in trouble sometimes. But I will save that essay for another day.
We were in the middle of that interview when we got interrupted because someone booked that room for another meeting.
We moved to the gentleman’s office. The distrust of the administrators followed us to this next room. They asked me if I had any more questions.
I asked those ladies what kept them coming back to work year after year. The question softened their hearts. I loved what I heard.
We got interrupted once again and this time, the gentleman had a long line of people waiting to meet with him outside.
I thanked him for his time and drove back to Houston.
This time, the trip took 6 hours because of traffic on 45.
The gentleman told me that I should hear back from them in 2 weeks. It took them 6 weeks to tell me “the position has been filled.”
Instead of wondering why I didn’t get that job, I decided to focus on what I learned:

• I interview well, even when the interviewer is less than ideal;
• I ask insightful questions. I enjoying listening to unsaid things;
• I can be fully myself, in spite of being treated poorly by someone with a superiority complex;
• I learned that with each no there’s gotta be a greater yes.

I am thankful this experience is behind me. I am also thankful that I didn’t get a parking ticket that day.

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Moving Mindset

For some reason, when my life is about to change in a big way, medical professionals ask me the question: "how do we feel about this?" A nurse asked me this when I confirmed that I was expecting my first baby. Recently, a doctor friend asked us the same question when we told him we were moving.

How do I feel? It depends of the time of day. I know that feelings follow mindset. Focusing on my mindset is very smart.

There is an abundance of moving advice related to the material world. There isn't a lot of advice when it comes to mindset. Everyone agrees moving is difficult, then we start talking about the inconvenience of boxing our stuff. We soon forget about your mindset and the wide range of feelings we feel.

I learned a long time ago to "feel my feelings." I also learned that it is wise to choose my mindset when it comes to moving.

Believe it or not, we can make the entire experience of moving worse because of our mindset. I choose to have a positive mindset because God is very positive about my move. With that in mind, I went back to an anchor verse we used 8 years ago when we came to TX:

“For you shall go out with joy, And be led out with peace; The mountains and the hills Shall break forth into singing before you, And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.” Isaiah‬ ‭55:12‬ 

If you want to make moving easier, carefully choose your mindset. How do you do that?

1 • choose an anchor verse. It is wise to ask yourself, "how does God feel about this?" or "Who is God for me in this situation?"
2 • choose words to describe your specific mindset. My words are  "joyful" and "peaceful."
3 • feel your feelings. It is just healthy to feel your feelings. I've been doing that throughout this entire transition. I also have a few friends who have been extremely supportive by listening to me, talking through my stuff and actually allowing me to cry when needed.

I know that moving and transitions are not easy. The good thing is that I can choose my mindset. I can be positive about the new thing God is bringing to pass. I can also feel my feelings.

More posts in this series:

• Moving to Texas in 2011
• Hope during transition
• Isolation
• Making Friends and Singing (video)
• How my roots grew deeper
• Unintentional Church Hopper
• Transition and the dorm room
• Transitioning from stay-at-home mom to working mom
• Moving to Longview 2019

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How to be happy for others when they get what you want

Jealousy is a common feeling. Before the digital revolution, it was easier to hide it. Now, temptation is everywhere: can we escape its tentacles? Before I justify my yes, let me confess something to you:

I have been jealous of my Facebook friends’ national vacations;

I have been jealous of their international trips;

I have been jealous of the freedom I think their wealth gives them.

I know what jealousy feels like. I dislike that feeling. 

I know I’m supposed to feel happy for others. How in the world do we get there? How do you do it when you feel like you deserve what the other has? 

Jealousy is less about the object of my covetous ways and more about the estate of my heart. Jealousy is a clear sign that I covet something. 

The Bible is very clear about coveting something the other has. “You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife; and you shall not desire your neighbor’s house, his field, his make servant, his female servant, his ox, his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.” Deuteronomy 5:21 (NKJV) 

Coveting has been around for a long time. This is the last of the Ten Commandments. As God dictated this command to Moses, I wonder if like me, he noticed how specific God was. God covered eight categories with the last one being all inclusive. 

The first step is to get on the same page as God. God is good. God doesn’t want me to covet. When I covet, I tell God, “your provision for me is not enough.” The more I know Him, the more I realize that God wants what’s best for me. 

The second step requires some action on my part because if I won’t challenge jealousy, I won’t change it. Coveting happens in the most unexpected moments. Often, we get that ugly feeling when we’re browsing on social media. We see it, we sense it and became desensitized unless we challenged it. 

How do you challenge the feeling of jealousy? As soon as you feel jealous, Recognize it for what it is. There’s no reason to pretend you’re not jealous. The goal is not to stay jealous. 

Repent. Ask God for forgiveness. He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

Rediscover God’s best for you. In my case, I realized that God is good. He does not give bad gifts. One day, I too will travel internationally. God has a purpose for this season in my life. When I find contentment, jealousy quickly has to leave. 

Relentlessly pray for the object of your jealousy. Why? When you can pray blessings over their life, that means you have a clean heart before God and jealousy does not have a hold on you.

Remember, if you won’t challenge it, you won't change it. 

If you are my friend on social, please don’t block me. Please, don’t stop posting those perfect vacation photos. I have learned that God’s best for me is to quickly get rid of jealousy so I can have a joyous heart. 

Another tip: if being jealous is a big challenge because of what you constantly see on social, try to take a break. Whatever you do, don’t announce you are taking a social media break. Quietly make your exit with the purpose of applying the 3 Rs: Recognize, Repent, Rediscover. When you come back, your heart will be molded by God. Don’t try to do any of this apart from God’s word. Whatever the word touches, it changes. I know it will change your heart.

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Change can be positive

The first major change in my life happened when I moved from my beloved Brazil to the U.S. 21 years ago.

College life was a change I welcomed gladly. Things were nothing but predictable in the course of those years. Each summer I was in a different State. By the time graduate school started, I moved cities and started over. 

I was engaged to Zeke when I moved and started my first job. We got married 6 months later and  changed came again. Zeke and I learned a lot of what it means to be one. We continue to learn as we continue to embrace change. 

Motherhood has been a great catalyst for change. To put it simply, when you think you have something down, things change. Naps, schedules, kids' stages... everything changes all the time, except for the love we give.

My friendships during my motherhood years also changed. I mistook lifetime friendships for seasonal friendships. I was dismissed like a person who doesn't want to do jury duty.

I held on to some of those friendships longer than I should have. After a certain club or activity (or church membership) was finished, so was the friendship. I was often the only person with illusions of lifelong connection and mutual respect. Why can't I learn my lesson?

Change is a constant. Why can't I constantly learn from all of these experiences? Or, why can't I learn faster?

Today, I reminded myself that change can be a positive thing. I can let go of the illusion of lifelong friendships. I can let go of what was so I can enjoy where I am.

Change can be positive if I embrace it that way.

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