Safe Friendships

Hey there my friend! I hope you are well! This summer I am editing a devotional book I wrote a few years ago. One of the topics I covered was friendships. I asked the following question on Facebook and my friends offered some great wisdom. I decided to include it here so you can enjoy and learn from their experiences as well. 

Question: In my search for meaningful, God-sent friendships, I am learning the importance of identifying safe people. Discerning safe and unsafe friendships can be challenging but possible. How did you identify the safe people who became your close friends?

"That’s a hard one. I’m praying God sends you the perfect friends and you have a perfect peace about them!!!" - A • what a great prayer! I appreciate it. 

"Time, authenticity and vulnerability. I try not to make “fast friends” as a practice, but I must say that there were two relationships that were “fast”, at least in my eyes, that helped me grow immensely in my spiritual walk; so time is relative. 

God knows exactly who we need when we need them. He also knows the season we are in and who’s necessary for His purpose, not ours. A book that really helped me in the area is “Relational Intelligence” by Dharius Daniels. 

It changed the way I look at relationships and helped lessen frustration and disappointment. I pray God would direct you to who He wants to be your friend 💜. As you can see I’m passionate about this topic 😊 - A • What a great book recommendation. I appreciate the thought "God knows who we need when we need them." 

"Ouvi Brené Brown ontem falando sobre isso e vulnerabilidade, ela compara esse processo com “a marble jar that you build trust slowly” (o livro é Daring Greatly). Mas eu ainda não aprendi totalmente essa lição de confiança"  - M • This was in portuglês :) Trust is built slowly for sure. 

"That’s a good question! For me, I think some of it has to do with the conversations/questions asked. That’s a good gage of if the person wants to know your heart or just your business. Also paying attention to red flags early on. And then recognizing when people are willing to rejoice when you rejoice and mourn when you mourn." - W • I enjoyed her encouragement to observe and pay attention to the fruit displayed by friends. 

"I think it’s of the utmost importance to have done your OWN work in order to be able to identify what healthy looks, sounds and feels like. It wasn’t until I started some work on myself that I was able to discern this and then identify why I was drawn to or perpetuating unhealthy situations. 

It also helps me know how to be the friend I desire to have to others. And I can more easily recognize and more deeply value friends that give grace and space to grow and be and live. ❤️ Took me a long time to get this. (And of course I didn’t mean “you” specifically. Just in general we have to do our work first.) - A • Sometimes we don't know what we want in a friend. I appreciate the reminder to work on ourselves and display the qualities we want to see in others. 

"After having a number of heartbreaks by unsuspected un-safe friends - I have decided to put my trust in no one! BUT - God never called us to TRUST other people - He just called us to LOVE. 

Love people, trust God. So, actually, I have decided to have open friendships with many people knowing that they might disappoint me, betray me, even turn on me. I can love them anyway. 

And along the way, I have made some wonderful, kind, amazing, and trustworthy friends. And I know full well that all of them will disappoint me in some ways - as I will them - and others in BIG ways, but I can still love them. ❤ - M • "God didn't call us to trust people, He called us to love them." Wow.  

"The safest friends are as involved with me as I am with them." - w • Interacting with safe friends is always good.

"I don’t think there is a substitute for time invested and good old life. But that said, God does show us when we come into divine alignments. You and Zeke are ones to forge out into new territory. You especially! Establishing new roots is your gifting I’m sure. I am praying for all of you." - S • Time plus life is a great formula. Knowing God will show us when we come into alignments is very encouraging too. I was encouruaged by this friend.

"Each of us disappoints on occasion, for all have sinned and fallen short . . . - P • I told this friend that I do my share of disappointing from time to time. What he said is very true. 

"It’s hard. As you know I’ve been through the betrayal and collapse of trusted relationships. It can either grow you or shrink you. Let God use it to grow you. Honestly, you just have to realize that anyone can disappoint you. Trust your instincts and remember that your closest friendship in Christ will never disappoint." - L • This friend has a strong testimony and walk with God in this area. I am encouraged to let God work all things for my good and for my growth. 

"I might ask, what does "safe" look like for me given my past, my present circumstances, and my future? It might also be a mix of personal boundaries, and sometimes personality/values. For me, "safe" often means that someone believes the best about me, respects when I have to say no or disagree, and asks questions instead of giving directives. I'm learning, however, that as I become the best version (I.e., yielded- and- trusting God version) of myself, heal from my wounds, etc., that I can show up in a more "free" way with all types of people...even if I only share my real stuff with a select few." - m • I never asked this question before but I plan to ask it often. What does "safe" look like for me given my past, my present circumstances, and my future? I want to show up free so I can be a blessing to whoever God sends my way.

"I do not like sarcasm; sarcasm is insincere speech. I don’t like being around people who can only speak sarcastically. Additionally, friends should be positive and build you up, and only be firm and corrective in private. If your “friends” make fun of you or talk down to/about you, then you should not give them your time, attention or emotions." - C • Sarcasm is a topic I would like to visit in the future. I don't think it belongs in friendships. I agree about friends being positive and building one another to be simply the best.

"I’ve found that my safe friends pick up pompoms just as quickly as I will. It’s not a personality thing, not everyone cheers loudly, but if they don’t know how to cheer (pray, encourage, celebrate, mourn)…by cheer I clearly mean show up in the relationship in some capacity and in some season. And to answer the how I learned…burned fingers from touching the stove." - a • Pain is a teacher. I'm glad we learn and we heal. i love the visual of quickly picking up that pompom to cheer for a friend.

How about you, how do you identify safe or unsafe friends?

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Lessons from friendship barriers

Listen here:

Friendship Lessons can be difficult and costly. Yet, the fact that I learned from them means that growth has truly happened. 

Barrier 1: Silence • I like to call this one “ghosting.” Everything is going well until your friend “ghosts” you. There is silence or lack of communication. Because the nature of healthy friendships is to be a two-way street, silence is a friendship barrier. What to do? Assess the situation. Your friend may be going through a crisis or a difficult season in life. In this case, you need to apply empathy and lend a helping hand. Helping your friend means different things to different people. I have a friend who did not want me to come see her, although that’s what I would prefer. I respected her choice. My friend simply wanted to know that I was praying for her. Praying I did! Communication resumed when things got better. I have also experienced ghosting for the opposite reason. The person truly was not thinking about me. I was not needed in her life. So I took the silence as a sign. Although it hurt, I learned to respect that person’s request. I am here to tell you that we both have lived happily ever after. If someone does not want you in her life, learn to pray and release. There are better friends for you out there. Develop a mindset of abundance when it comes to friendships. 

Barrier 2: Passive-aggressive • The habit of expressing negative feelings indirectly instead of openly addressing issues is common in this friendship barrier. I’ve been in group situations where a conversation is happening and when it is my time to speak, one or several people look at me with a disgusted look on their faces. I’ve been in situations when I am doing something with a group and a passive-aggressive comment is made about what I am doing with the intention to damage me. I noticed that these actions are not direct, open and with the intention of achieving mutual understanding. I honestly am yet to think that a loving, honest conversation will fix these behaviors I described. Some people are not willing to reconcile, understand or get to know my side of things. I find that forgiveness is my priority because I am only responsible for myself. When their behavior persists, I recognize it in my own mind. I forgive and I let go. I let the person behave as she chooses. I remind myself that God sees. I remind myself that I am only responsible for myself so I show up as the authentic person God created me to be. I don’t insist on winning this person over because they are demonstrating their desire to demise my character. I release them with forgiveness and a prayer of blessing. I keep being kind and friendly to everyone around me. 

Barrier 3: Lies • Recently I had to work through this barrier with the additional challenge that an open conversation was not possible. In this case, I prayed a lot. I found counsel in this area. I turned the situation over to God and found peace in my heart. One of the greatest realizations I’ve had is that I am truly, only responsible for myself. If a person spreads lies about me and a conversation is not possible, I process it and I seek counsel. I forgive and go on living, knowing that God sees and He cares. I found great freedom with this approach. A situation of “he said/she said” taught me the value of being responsible for my actions. In this case, I asked the messenger to please allow me to know who made a complaint about me so I could set the record straight. I was told “no.” I felt sad, yet, I decided to be truthful to my word and continue to be an agent of peace and care. I took the situation as a clear reflection of the group of people involved. I find that when I collect situations as data points, my future decisions are wiser. For example, I learned that whatever I say among that particular group will be distorted. I also practice speaking the truth. Still, knowing that some are out to start confusion just informs my friendship decisions. While I wish that every situation was easy to solve, life is not that predictable. I learned that God’s Word is my anchor in life. God wants me to live in peace. He wants me to forgive. He also wants me to be wise. 

Barrier 4: Flakiness • I have a Master’s Degree in small talk but I know how to work myself to issues that encourage the heart. I’m not good with fluff, flakiness or shallow acquaintances. While I understand that it takes time to develop a deep friendship, flakiness is a barrier. How do I combat flakiness? I accept the person for what she displays. I remember trying to get to know a person. I listened closely to all the things she said. My listening was not so I could have my chance to speak nor was it so that I could become this person’s best friend. I listened to understand her. I learned she was in a challenging season in life. I learned she was looking for a completely different person than the person I am. I wished her well (internally) as I continue to encourage this person every time I see her. When flakiness is a barrier, I listen to understand. 

I want you to know that what has happened to you does not define the type of friend you are. All of us go through difficult friendship situations. See yourself as God sees you. You are a person of worth and value. You are a good friend. I’m sorry that friendship barriers came your way. The truth is, you are stronger because of them. You are able to continue to be excellent to others. You are a treasure my friend!

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How to make time for your Friends

Are you lacking time for your friendships? I offer a few tips on how to make time for your friends. Welcome to season 4 of the Simply Cintia Podcast! 

 

Remember to sign up to attend Friendship Culture's Weekly Bible study if you live in East Texas. You can register here. Enjoy this episode!

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Recommencing Friendships in 2021

 

Friendships took a hard back seat during the pandemic. Here's how to recommence. 

Recommencing friendships in 2021

1. Take an assessment 

Steps/Questions: List who is still around; 

• Is this person a toxic friend or a tranquil friend?

• Is this a two-way or one-way friendship? 

• Do I have full or limited access to this person’s life?

2. Proceed with either a cease and desist letter (mentally) or an invitation letter.

3. Commit to connect.

Notes:
• Toxic Friends 101

• The anatomy of friendships: access

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Friendship Resume

 

Today I speak about having a great friendship resume and the things necessary to make that happen. Don't forget to sign up for Friendship Culture if you are in East Texas (or if you want to come over). Seating is limited for this free event. Register now!

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Dinner Party

I didn't grow up with dinner parties but I love the idea. To be honest with you, most people would come to our home for lunch when they did. Dinner parties for me are an American experience. 

I mostly watched people going to dinner parties in movies. Interestingly, everything mostly works. Even when there's conflict around the scene, everything looks chic and delicious. 

My life doesn't resemble the party movies I watched. There are dishes in the sink. Our home is way bigger than the small New York apartments we saw on screen. We also have kids who are often part of the party. 

COVID interrupted many things, including our habit of having people over. With the dawn of a new day in Texas, I decided that I wanted to host more dinner parties. 

I started hosting a mystery dinner party. Mystery because the guests didn't know one another. I want to say that they left as friends. That was super cool. 

The dinner menu was Brazilian food. I bought flowers and lit the candles. I didn't have time to make dessert so I bought it from the store. Nevertheless, the company was the main dish, the food and the environment, the sides. 

I miss the nearness of people. Dinner parties give me that. Even when we text and see people on a regular basis, the dinner party offers the opportunity of unhurried conversation. Good conversations lead to connection. 

Connection is the conduct for friendships. Life post-COVID requires that we re-examine our friendships. Nothing and no one is off the table. It is wise to make the commitment to count your friends. If you are honest, you lost some long before COVID. Others, you never had. Why hold on to something that is no longer life-giving? 

If I can't connect with you in a meaningful way, chances are, we really aren't friends. We are acquaintances. Acquaintances are okay. I do make more room in my life for true friends. 

My goal of hosting more dinner parties is my way to make room for true friends. I also believe in introducing friends to one another. 

I honestly get a kick of saying "this is So So, you're gonna LOVE her." I'm not selfish with my friendships. I'm not a friend hoarder. I believe the heart is big enough to accommodate multiple friendships. The heart is insightful enough to know which friends will be close friends and which ones will be simply friends. 

The arms of friendships are always open, willing to embrace everyone. Friendship's table is inviting, willing to save you a seat, fix you sweet tea and give you your favorite dessert. 

I'm eager to see how my dinner parties will produce fruit. I hope they provide a much-needed place for friendships to begin or to start again.

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Marathon training: from friendliness to deep friendships

Marathon training season starts in a few weeks. This will be officially the first season I won't train with my old running group. 

Although I moved after last year's training season started, I went back for a few key runs. I also became a virtual head coach instead of an in-person coach. I guess I was ahead of my time, considering all of this COVID-19 stuff.

I finished what I started (thank God) and marathon number 6 was a wrap.

I decided to sign up for another marathon this Winter because I thought it would be a good goal to pursue. Before the official training starts, I am working on eliminating extra body weight.

I have run enough to know that the extra weight only impedes my progress. I don't want to be on weight loss mode all my life. I want to reach my goal and proceed to maintenance. I have a great chance to reach my weight loss goal and I will reach it before the end of the year.

Back to running. I'm glad I learned a lot about myself these past 6 marathons. I know how to run with a group and I know how to run alone. 

Both skills are very important. My thing is, I don't want to be stuck. I need to be able to adapt to my surroundings so I can reach my running goals. 

One time, the weather was awful and I ran 17 miles on a treadmill. I don't recommend it but that experience taught me to press on and accomplish my goal.

Running with a group is an acquired skill. The running community is generally friendly. The problem some people run into is turning that friendliness into deep friendships. Some runners remain acquaintances after decades of running together. Others develop deep friendships that last a lifetime. 

I don't think there is a secret to developing deep friendships with people. It all depends on the individual and where they are in life. I will write more about this in a later post. 

As a newcomer to a group, you will notice small groups in existence. Most groups are friendly and they do not mind you running with them. Some groups say they are friendly but they are really closed groups running in public. 

It doesn't take long for me to figure out these dynamics. I often ask myself, "should I try to belong to this group who clearly does not want me to be part of them or do I find another way?" 

That's when my skill of running solo or with a group comes in handy. I've had to do both and I'm okay with both. What I try not to do is to be hurt because a group or a person does not want me to run with them. 

Running doesn't discriminate but runners sometimes do. Reaching my running goals while cultivating a forgiving heart is better than getting frustrated with trying to belong to a closed running group.

I've learned to pray about everything, running included. My prayer is that God will lead me to the right people and vice-versa. When I focus on the vice-versa part of the equation, I feel better.

For example, I noticed a lot of people around me were trying to belong to the running community. I thought about my experiences as a runner and as a minority runner. I decided to be a safe space, an encouraging force to anyone who will receive me. I decided to act on this belief.

I verbalize the following: "I am glad you are here. You belong. You don't have to jump any hoops or do anything special to be part of us. You belong just as you are and we want you to feel you are part of us.  Here is my number if you ever need it."

This statement makes my heart's intentions crystal clear. I also find that instead of waiting for someone to do this for me, I can freely offer it to others.

Focusing on the positive is the best way to live and run.

This training season will be different. I dearly miss the familiarity of my old running group. Still, I will learn more about myself. I will bring all that I am to my upcoming training season.

Most runners I met in the past are great people. I met a lot of welcoming, genuine people. My share of bad experiences does not represent the overwhelming good I receive from the running community.

I am thankful for what was. I look forward to what will be. I am committed to being a force for God's goodness in my local running community. I want to be welcoming, encouraging and I want to see my friends reach their running goals.

Here's to a brand new long-distance running season. My heart is free, my whole being is ready to accomplish another marathon. 

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How to Find new Friends

Sometimes, you just need to find new people. Today's podcast will help you with that. 

Listen and share!

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Marathon Training: Week 9-12

The first my family had a major move, I was dreaming of running my first marathon. I would accomplish that dream a few years later, thanks to the support of my beloved running group.

As I get closer to marathon number 6 (I know, it's hard to believe I crossed that many finish lines), I am in the middle of a major move.

Moving is not easy, yet, I can say thanks to it, I am quite the self-elected expert on transitions. As the main expert on my own life, I know that I need to connect in order to thrive.

Let's be honest, I could train by myself, but I choose not to. Enter the local running club. The greatest solution to my training challenge!

I'm not sure if you were a reader back then, but I have found running clubs in other places. Here I am running in Memphis and in North Mississippi.

I also wrote a helpful post called "5 tips for running on vacation" where I teach you how to safely run with or without people.

I decided to connect with the runners in Longview sooner than later. I attempted to run with them a month ago, but I had a bad night of sleep. Last weekend, I was in town so I joined them for a run. I was scheduled to run 7 miles but their club had an 8-mile loop. I took on the challenge and showed up a little before call time.

I was warmly welcomed. I made sure I connected with them online before actually showing up so they would know I was coming. The run was challenging but the camaraderie I felt made the miles feel easy.

Friends, East Texas is hilly. There are no hills around our current neck of the woods so, I just took on those suckers and kept going. Yep, I used my usual tactics. I usually make fun of something and I'm overly positive. I also told myself, "I eat hills like candy" although I don't like either. Anyway, I enjoyed the run because I basically took a tour of the town with the best tour guides ever. I really got a better understanding of the culture and I am so thankful for the hospitality I received.

What happens to my beloved local running club? I'll be back for a few runs. I will continue to encourage and cheer on as I need the very same thing from my friends.

Running has been a life-saver during this process. I find that having a goal for the season gives me an outlet. I can focus on my running goals instead of being completely overwhelmed with change.

So far, I'm hitting my time goals pretty well. My nutrition and hydration goals are also going well. The greatest challenge I currently face is cross-training. My gym membership ran out, which means I'm 100% responsible for training on my own. I have a workout plan and the willingness to do that. As soon as I sign up for another gym, I will be lifting weights again and strengthening my lower body with the help of the machines.

Oh, I will also need to find a sports massage place in the new hometown. So many new things. One day at a time, right? For now, I will enjoy running with my beloved running club.

My goal is to enjoy the run and the people. I will try not to think about how much I'll miss them because when I think of sad things during a run I hyperventilate - ain't nobody got time for that! I will think about our funny moments and how much I will enjoy seeing everyone on marathon morning.

Change is inevitable and what we do with it makes us resilient.

More on this series:
• Weeks 1-3
• Weeks 4-8

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Why is keeping friends so difficult?

Keeping friends seems difficult sometimes. 

Specially when you are doing all the work. 

You initiate all the communication.

You ask for a face-to-face - and you often get a “no” or “I’m busy.”

You start to wonder why. You quickly switch to past memories. 

Often “when” you get together happens at a convenient time for the other person. 

If the situation is inconvenient for them, keeping the friendship becomes difficult. 

Keeping friends is difficult when they are so wrapped up in themselves, they overlook your needs. 

Keeping friends is difficult in a ‘group of friends’ situation. 

Some individuals demand more attention than others. 

Others gravitate to those who are better, prettier, richer than you. 

Mob mentality often reigns and for the sake of peace, you go on. 

Keeping friends is difficult when the distance erases bonds that were near and dear. 

Not even technology can replicate the good times. 

As the years roll by, all you get is a social media like, if that. 

Lately, I decided that while keeping friends can be difficult, I’m a good friend. 

I also decided that while I believe the best, people make time for what’s most important to them. 

I believe that if you keep turning me down, you are sending me the message that I am not important. 

You are sending the message that I no longer have something you need so we are done. 

I’m okay with all of that. 

I’m also pleased with the fact that I am a good friend and I was built to be in honest relationships. 

It is true that I can’t change people. I can’t change difficult friendships. I can and I will be myself everywhere I go. 

If some friends leave, that’s okay, I will treasure those who choose to stay.

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Change can be positive

The first major change in my life happened when I moved from my beloved Brazil to the U.S. 21 years ago.

College life was a change I welcomed gladly. Things were nothing but predictable in the course of those years. Each summer I was in a different State. By the time graduate school started, I moved cities and started over. 

I was engaged to Zeke when I moved and started my first job. We got married 6 months later and  changed came again. Zeke and I learned a lot of what it means to be one. We continue to learn as we continue to embrace change. 

Motherhood has been a great catalyst for change. To put it simply, when you think you have something down, things change. Naps, schedules, kids' stages... everything changes all the time, except for the love we give.

My friendships during my motherhood years also changed. I mistook lifetime friendships for seasonal friendships. I was dismissed like a person who doesn't want to do jury duty.

I held on to some of those friendships longer than I should have. After a certain club or activity (or church membership) was finished, so was the friendship. I was often the only person with illusions of lifelong connection and mutual respect. Why can't I learn my lesson?

Change is a constant. Why can't I constantly learn from all of these experiences? Or, why can't I learn faster?

Today, I reminded myself that change can be a positive thing. I can let go of the illusion of lifelong friendships. I can let go of what was so I can enjoy where I am.

Change can be positive if I embrace it that way.

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Orchestrating my Birthday

I think I know why I started orchestrating my birthday. My first birthday in the U.S. happened on a cold day in 1999. In the previous 18 years, my birthday happened in the Brazilian summer. I was surrounded by the warmth of my family. I said goodbye to all of that when I accepted the plan of God for my life and moved to the States. 

Two new friends took me to a local pizza place that evening. I was in the U.S. long enough to notice the ads for stuffed crust. We ordered our pizza and we enjoyed our time together. When it was time to get the bill, we told the waiter (who was the manager really) it was my birthday. He told me the meal was free to celebrate the date. He also told me not to tell my friends in college about it. He didn't want revenue loss. I thought that was a kind, selfless act on his part. I am sure God orchestrated it all. 

As the years rolled by, my birthdays became a blur. I know I had them. I was often working or getting ready for classes to start again. 

When I met my husband, everything changed. He celebrated me like I've never experienced before. Birthdays became a time to thank God for life and to really enjoy the one day dedicated to me. 

One year during my birthday, Zeke and I in Brazil. He got to experience my family's way of celebrating birthdays. That year, both of my grandmothers were still alive. One of them joined us for lunch at a steakhouse. We took a lot of pictures. It was my last birthday celebration with my grandmothers. I treasure those memories. I'm sure God orchestrated that day.

When we moved to Texas, I became a little obsessed with the details of my birthday. I left all of my friends in N.C. but I still needed to go on with life and celebrations. 

My first Texas birthday was fun. A group of friends from church came to our home and we had a thanksgiving service to God. We thanked Him for another year of life and we ate Brazilian food and cake. The kids were tiny and I was pregnant with my youngest daughter. 

As the years rolled by, I kept the celebration going, I just struggled with the consistency of the friendships in my life. I have written a lot about friendships and I will continue to do so. One of the things I have a difficult time understanding is why some friendships are conditional. Conditional friendships are the ones that work for one person only. The conditions need to be just right. If one detail does not work for them, they are out of the picture and the friendship stagnates. 

I struggled with a birthday party list. Should I include the conditional friendship people? If I exclude some people, are the others going to mind? I became a bit obsessed with orchestrating my birthday during those years. Mind you: I had fun. I had great celebrations. The what-ifs in gathering a guest list were not fun at all. 

I think my breaking point came when I was fussed at by a few friends on my birthday. I thought, "this is my only day to have fun and celebrate the life God is giving me. I don't need this kind of attitude." I proceeded with that year's lovely celebration determined the next birthday would be different. 

The following year, I decided to cut way back on the parties and hold a small celebration with family. It was great. The next year, we included a friend who's known me for 20 years and one of my cousins who was living near us. That party was a lot of fun.

I still struggled with wanted to orchestrate everything. I decided to write a new year's goal to "stop orchestrating my birthday." Orchestrating means over planning. It was hard to do but now that is all over, I can say my 2019 birthday was extra special.

When I stopped orchestrating things, I gave my friends a chance to express their feelings in their own timing. I also gave my friends the liberty to celebrate my birthday however they chose. When I stopped orchestrating my birthday, I gave friendship a chance to bud and flourish in a different way. 

There were celebrations, dinners, phone calls, and remembrance the entire month following my birthday. I was thankful to stop controlling things. Sometimes, that's the only way you know that you really have.

I believe that my friends add a lot of joy to the fabric of life. When I stopped orchestrating my birthday, I saw that joy firsthand.

I don't know a lot a lot of people who orchestrate their own birthdays. I do know we all have the tendency to orchestrate some area of our lives. 

It might be related to marriage or parenting. It may even be your career. I'm not suggesting that we become careless in relationships and job responsibilities. 

I am telling you that when you stop orchestrating, you see what you really have. 

The first step is to recognize our controlling tendencies. The second step is to let go of fear. The third step is to stand there and see what comes back to you.

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Planning my Summer

Summer madness starts now! Well, kind of. I noticed that last week, my email was overflowing with camp ads with that hurry up “spots fill up quickly” friendly warning.

I love summer camps and all things kids activities. I also have mixed feelings about the long-term effectiveness of them all.

Growing up, we went to a few camps. Americans are more into camping than Brazilians just to be fair. Also, my parents have 5 children and we were not gazillionaires.

I know that in 2019, if I register all my kids to camps I think are interesting, I would spend a solid $20,000. If you are a person who spends $20,000 per summer on kids activities, you have my love, respect, and encouragement.

If like me, you have to make choices and work within a budget, you too have my love, respec, and encouragement.

Here are some ideas on how to think about the upcoming summer and the activities you may want to involve your kids.

• Think about the summer as a whole. What is the priority for your family? Paying someone to keep your kids busy is different than investing in them from a long-term perspective. Another thing to consider is the following: when your kids are your age, what would you like them to remember? I sure hope my kids remember family time and not the curriculum of the uncredited STEM camp they attended.

• Once you have your list of priorities, look at the calendar and plan your weeks. Family vacation and vacation Bible school (VBS) are on top of my list. If I see an interesting camp we may add that to our calendar as well. The key is not to feel desperate about how you are planning on investing your time. My favorite thing to do is to decide ahead of time how I want to feel. I sure don't want to be frazzled next summer.

• Summer Day Camp Coop is also a great option for all moms. Every mommy friend of yours has a talent or a skill. Imagine if you all got together to share those talents with your kids? I’m a firm believer that moms can help one another. I've been blogging about this for years. I may need to take a different direction with this one.

• The public library has special events during the summer. The events are always exciting, educational and they offer a break from the heat.

Friend, if you do not plan your summer, someone else might plan it for you. If you are that mom that over plans it, decide to include downtime in your schedule.

Don’t let the summer catch you off guard. Plan for what you know is coming and enjoy this wonderful season in your family's life.

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Episode 10: the Anatomy of Friendships

Episode 10: the anatomy of friendships

What type of access do you have to your friends? Today we analyze the anatomy of friendships. My goal is to empower you to impact your friends' lives, no matter how much access you have to them.

Great news! I have an eBook completely dedicated to friendships! It is called Finding your Tribe." You can buy it here. Thank you for your support!

BUY NOW

You can support me by listening to the Podcast, giving me a 5-star review, spreading the word and making a donation. Thank you!

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Podcast 4: How to find your tribe

Episode 4: How to find your Tribe

There are so many reasons why you may need to find a tribe. Necessity is the mother of all reasons. Maybe you are a new in town. Maybe you are going through hardship. Sometimes, your old friends are toxic. How to do you find your tribe?

I talk about different ways of finding them. As you move towards a new circle of friends remember that cultivating a healed heart impacts the friendships we seek and the friend we want to be.

Bible verses mentioned in this episode:

Ecclesiastes 3:1
Psalm 55:12-13
Luke 6:17-26
Psalm 142:7

I encourage you to revisit your "friendship resume." I want to tell you that no matter what, you are a good friend.

When the Podcast is over, let's keep the discussion going!

• What is your friendship resume?
• Can you identify what led you to need a friend tribe?
• If you suffered any hurts in the past in the area of friendship, there is healing for you. Have you thought about praying and asking God for help in this area?
• I know we all want to be surrounded by a great friend tribe. What characteristics do you bring to the mix?

You can support me by listening to the Podcast, giving me a 5-star review, spreading the word and making a donation. Thank you!

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• Subscribe on Google Play

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How to Deal with Shallow Friendships

It took nine years but I’m finally confident in my children’s swimming abilities. Before this summer, shallow waters were the safest. When we go to the beach, we remind them to stay in the shallow part. First of all, it’s easier for us to get to them if they don’t go deeper. It is also easier for them, who are still small and who need guidance navigating all bodies of water.

Friendships work the same way. There’s nothing wrong with shallow friendships. I believe that most people can only support a certain amount of deep friendships. Dunbar zeroed this amount to be 150 people.

Think about your relationship circle for a minute. In my case, my primary relationship commitment is with Zeke and our kids. Outside of this circle is my extended family. Outside of that circle are friends who don’t need to read my social media updates to know how I’m doing. We make the effort to communicate so that we stay in touch. We are committed to each other because our friendship is valuable. Outside of that circle are friends I see all the time. We know details on each other’s lives but we don’t go much deeper than that. Do you see where I’m doing with that? We can honestly support a limited amount of friendships, no matter what our social media accounts say.

Each friendship circle has its importance. My biggest friendship mistake happens when I assign great value to a shallow friendship. I've never been good at assigning value to things.

When I was in North Carolina, I had an unsuccessful yard sale. I separated every item I wanted to sell, I organized it nicely the day before and I was ready to go on Saturday morning. A few people walked by but I didn’t sell anything. The problem? One was the weather. The other, my prices. I priced my items too high. If the weather was warmer and the prices lower, that yard sale would have been a success. I created the habit of treating friendships the same way. I neglected both the weather and value.

When it comes to weather, the Bible says in Proverbs 17:17 that a friend loves at all times. I have friends who only love me when it’s convenient for them. They only contact me when they need something from me. My mistake was assigning great value to these friendships.

I’m only responsible for my behavior, therefore, I’m determined to place the appropriate value to these friendships.

The friends who only look for me when they have a need, get my understanding. Understanding because their behavior is predictable. Understanding because the relationship will not get any deeper than it is. Understanding because I know I have sisters who love me at all times.

The second part of Proverbs 17:17 tells us that a brother is born for adversity. These are the friends who are part of my inner friendship circle. They are committed to our friendship. They hear my heart. They look for me just because. They get a nudge from God and they text me asking me, “how can I pray for you?” They are me during my time of adversity, they just don't hear about it afterward. Our bond deepens as we continue to invest in a friendship that increases in value.

My mistake was forgetting that such friends exist. In the past, I’ve been so upset with shallow friendships that I neglected to remember that God graciously gave me sisters for adversity - and for ordinary times as well.

It’s taken a while but I am confidently navigating the waters of friendship. Giving understanding to shallow friends has been wise. Embracing sisters who were born for adversity has been a joy. Knowing the difference, life-saving.

More in this Series:
• How to deal with Unfulfilled Dreams
• How to deal with those who Mistreat You

More Friendship Posts:
• Dissolving Friendships
• How to maintain a Friendship when you're Busy
• The open arm friendship
• The closed door of friendship

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The Closed Door of Friendship

I hung up the phone in the kitchen and I drove to my friend’s house. I knocked on the door and waited a while. She was there, she just didn’t open the door for me.
I saw that closed door as a reflection of our dying friendship. The door was shut, there was no going back.

The next time we met, I was pleasant. Inside, I knew things changed.

The same thing happened to me recently. While I waited outside another shut door, the feeling was too familiar.
I reminded myself, it was a reflection of our friendship. The door was shut and there was no going back.

Rejection always hurts but closed doors in friendships can be freeing.

• Closed doors freed my time to welcome life-giving relationships. Because I wasn’t hanging out with my old friend, I had time to welcome wonderful new people. I met some incredible people post-rejection and I kept in touch with old friends. There isn’t a lack of good friendships, there is such thing as a life that’s too busy for them to find their way into our hearts.

• Closed doors freed me from uncertainty. Have you ever hung out with someone yet you never knew where you stood with them? When I experienced rejection, I was suddenly free from uncertainty. I knew exactly where I stood: outside of that friend’s most intimate areas of life. Now, when new friends come into my life, I have learned to know where I stand. I try to master this ability quickly. Even if you are a casual, twice a year hang out kind of friend, you need to be certain of where you stand.

• Closed doors freed me from unhealthy expectations. I placed those on myself. I have this addiction to loyalty in friendships. The truth is that toxic friendships do not require loyalty, they actually need to be expelled from my life. Friendship rejection has a way of opening my eyes to unhealthy expectations I put on myself.

The weather has been hot every time I’ve been waiting outside of a literal door of rejection. Clarity comes with warmer temps. Rejection always hurts but closed doors in friendships have freed me over and over again.

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The Open Arms Friendship

Friendships go through seasons. When we first moved to Texas, it was the season of discovery. I learned the pain of letting go of the constant presence of my North Carolina friends. I learned the challenge of looking for friends and the joy of finding them. 

I also learned that different regions of the U.S. have unique friendship practices. In western North Carolina, the community was tight. People always invited us to their homes. We were connected, we were family and we were together, come what may. I refuse to think that’s small town mentality because I experienced this in one of the largest cities in the world (Rio de Janeiro). What I experienced during my North Carolina years was called genuine friendship. 

Making and maintaining friendships in Texas has helped me grow. I’ve experienced group related friendships. What happens is that the friendship endures until the end of the group meetings. If you are out of the group, you are out of luck. It’s up to individuals to find and maintain friendships that exist outside of such group dynamic. 

Because of the diversity of our area, I learned that someone’s ethnicity may play a role when it comes to how much time they can dedicate to our friendship. Some women are committed to their families, extended families and tribes (a real tribe from their country of origin). Once I realized that, I figured out that their social calendar was completely full. These women are professionals also so you can see how there is little time to maintain friendships outside those circles. 

I remember approaching a lady and asking her out to lunch. She told me she had no time to have lunch with me. Rejection hurts and yet, I learned a lot about that particular group of women. They are devoted to God, family, career and tribe. There isn't a lot of extra time for people outside of those circles. 

All of these lessons led me to what i call the "open arms" approach to friendships. I keep my arms open to embrace any friend who wants me in her life. If the friendship is toxic, I pray that God will gracefully release me from it. If the friendship is group based, I let it go when the time is up. If the friend finds its way to my life with open arms of her own, that’s when I know I have a keeper.

I used to feel sad about any friendship that wasn’t an open arms friendship. Once I learned to identify which is which, life has been easier. I’m okay with every friend that comes my way. I know that if a friend wants to be in my life, they will be. I also know that group friendships have a place in life. The important thing is that I am only responsible for my own character. 

I am determined to be a good friend, no matter what type of friend walk into my life. 

My appreciation for open arms friendships grow more each day.

How have you faced your friendships? Take a look at your arms. Are they open or closed? 

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End of School Year Gift Ideas

Hey friend, it's me, trying to help you alleviate your May Madness again. We all know May is an extra busy month because everything stops and the extra activities abound.

Everyone also knows that May is the month moms rant on social media about the schedules they agreed to have for the school year. Yep, we are the ones responsible for the fruit of over scheduling our kids and ourselves. 

In the past, I've encouraged my friends to pay attention to what they add to their schedule. This year, I would like to help us all by offering a few end of year gift ideas.

I am so pleased with how Shannon designed this gift!

 I've been a working mom for 8 months. My time is limited yet, my gratitude to my kids' instructors abounds. I always thought mothers can help mothers so I asked my friend Shannon who is a talented creator and owner of His Grace Designs to help me.  I am very happy with the gifts we are giving the kids' teachers. I'm thankful that Shannon, a mother herself, could help me. For the record, I paid full price for these sweet gifts and I am sharing them because I am pleased with the results.

One of these kids may have said the teacher must give them cookies.

In the past 5 years or so, I purchased/made my kids' end of the year gifts myself. This year, there is not a lot of time to do that. Also, I refuse to wait till the last minute. I'm encouraging you to start thinking about what type of feeling you want to have in May. Plan ahead and you will be pleased with the upcoming month. 

This idea of moms helping moms is something I've thought about for years. Even before I went back to work full-time (outside of the home cause every mother works. A lot!), my friends and I would talk about how nice that would be. 

I'm helping a mother with my purchase and that mother is helping me in return. It's that simple. I also agree that we should go beyond money and simply help one another because we are a community who is stronger together. The money-less help can include babysitting, running errands, dropping off meals or agreeing to be exercise accountability partners. Can you imagine such world?

There is another local mother I want to recommend. Jackie helps families by delivering hot, delicious meals. Her business is Sienna Gourmet. You can use her service yourself or you can send a meal to someone when you choose Sienna Gourmet. I can't tell you how much I'd love to have time to fix a meal and send it to a friend. Well, Jackie makes it all possible. She is a mother helping many mothers. Again, this is not an ad. My friend Liz told me about Jackie's business because she loves it. 

Other ideas of gifts we can give at the end of the school years are gifts to ourselves. Rest is a gift we can all use. I know, how crazy it would be to go to bed earlier or sleep a little later. Schedule it if you must but resting will get you further than you think in this busy season. 

I hope this post has encouraged you to think of a mother in your community you can help. Mothers are wonderful human beings. They love, care and work tirelessly for the benefit of others. I pray that we, the mothers in this world, will help one another in tangible ways. 

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Transition Essentials

I'm not where I want to be but thank God I'm not where I once was. I'm in transition. Transition is an uncomfortable place in life. You and I have been there: we are the middle of a house move, about to change jobs or simply watching your kids grow. The good thing about transitions is that there are essential things you can do make it easier. • Remember transitions won't last - last summer my husband was job searching for 5 months. It was one of the most challenging transitions we've had together. In the midst of my uncertainty, I learned to rely on the brevity of transitions. Transitions are intense, yet brief. The simple thought that they would not last brought me comfort. • Do the Next Right Thing - the intensity of transitions can drive us crazy. Remember to focus only on the day ahead of you. If you feel your mind fill up with big decisions, choose to do the next right thing. During those uncertain summer months, I found a great Podcast with that name (The Next Right Thing). This concept has helped me focus on what I really have: today. God always takes care of tomorrow so I can relax and enjoy today. • Find a Friend - transitions have the power to make us vulnerable and friends are there to help. I learned that I needed a person close to me. Someone I could reach out to in person and on the phone. When my burdens were too heavy, I found comfort in my friend. When I felt disillusion, I found that a friend will embrace you with words of assurance - as well as with a real hug. The worse thing you can do during transition is to post about it online. The best thing you can do if find "your person" and reach out to them when you need.  The only one who can get you out of transition is God Himself. He knows the end from the beginning. He cares about you and trust me, He has hidden secret gifts for you to find in your season of transition. My secret gift was trust. I developed a greater trust in God's power and personality. No one can take away the secret gift I received from God, thanks to this transition. Even if you are not in transition, remember to carry your essentials with you when you do find yourself there. Remember, transitions do not last. You can do the next right thing and you can friend a friend.

Last week on the blog I wrote an essay about singing. I've been singing in public for 32 years. I recently learned that I have much room to grow.  • Singing My weight loss series continues. I'm 11 lbs down and I have 28 to go. You can reach the current post and find the archives here: • Weight Watchers: new normal Help me create relevant content: fill out a 3 question survey here (and thank you!)

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