The estate of my heart

When you are a super positive person, it is difficult to be sad. Even when you have to. I decided to give this a try for myself. I had a deeply sad week. 

I thought I should be honest with people about the estate of my heart. I told myself that if anyone would ask me how I was doing, I would tell the truth. 

I got in my car and went to Starbucks. If was going to be sad, at least I shouldn't be hangry on top of that. The drive-thru barista said, "how are you, honey?" Without waiting for a second, I said, "fine." I drove away disappointed at myself. 

All those years of being positive became a habit. I'm always fine. Until I'm not. 

Regardless of what I say, the heart does not forget its sorrow. So I feel it. 

It took me a while to learn that I should feel my own feelings. I would suppress them. Now I try my best to feel them as they come. 

Some sadness is overpowering, such as the one that takes over me when I grief a loss. Another sadness is not as overpowering but it can be as strong once it shows up. I decided to feel them all as they come to me. The other day, as I was reading the Bible, the writer said sadness was better than joy. My only rationale for such a thing is, if you're at the bottom, things can only get better from there. 

The writer summarizes how I feel. "Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face, the heart is made glad." Ecclesiastes 7:3 (ESV).

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The Day my Running Life got Adjusted

It was exactly a year ago when an ambulance trip adjusted my running life. I finished running an unusually warm half marathon in Houston and 25 minutes later this was my view:

you know I wasn't out of it cause I was taking pictures

Being in that ambulance was surreal but at the same time it was quite the reality check for me. I was dehydrated, I was thankful I didn't pass out and I was determined to adjust my running life. 

The view from the back of an ambulance are epic!

When I finally got to the hospital of my choice, I had to wait in the hallway for a second. That's never fun but the health professionals were super nice and gave me some extra covers. Oh, I was also stinking: I had just finished running a marathon remember? 

No one is ever chilling in an ER. Except for me. Ha ha!

You are probably wondering how I got to arrive at the ER on the first place. I simply did not hydrate well. The day was also warm yet cloudy. In my race review I give you a play by play (read it here) and today I can see how that race changed my approach to running this entire year. 

I had to do it: getting an IV and showing off my bling. 

 Here's how I adjusted my running life:
• I decided to commit to hydrating more aggressively. I thought I was doing a good job until I arrived in the ER.
• I sat in that hospital room and I decided that running is not my priority in life. Running enhances my life and I need to keep it in its place, always.
• I decided to run strictly for fun. I looked back over my life and I decided that encouraging people during a run is way more fun than being competitive. I never run with an ego and I never will. I run for joy and I carry the joy of the Lord with me.
• I haven't signed up to any major races yet. I'm not injured or discouraged (I'm actually feeling pretty amazing). I just decided to take a sabbatical and readjust my priorities. I'm also coming out of a season of job transition with my family. I can't afford any major races. I decided that if God wants me to run any major races He will make a way. And yes, I know there are different ways to get in major races. My priority right now is finishing this transition well and allowing running to be strictly for fun.
• I learned to be satisfied with my running life. The person I am even before I lace up and get out there is amazingly loved and treasured by God. He doesn't expect me to hit a negative split every time or to PR. He proved His love for me through my Savior Jesus and He bought my acceptance on the cross of calvary. All of that makes me satisfied with who I am, where I am. Is there room for improvement in my running life? Sure, yet I decided to enjoy today and let tomorrow worry about its own troubles.

I hope you got a better picture of the happy place God has led me to after that trip to the ER last year. I will continue to run for fun, encourage others and be open to what God is doing all around me.

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Loving Texas while missing North Carolina Autumns

I love Texas for many reasons. I couldn't help but fall in love with the culture I experience here. Heat is part of Texas culture and I'm determined that tough summers build tough people. The scalding heat you feel when you walk out of your air conditioned car builds your possess. Walking outside to get your mail in the blazing sun affects your brain in a way that it increases your ability to live life better (away from the sun). 

This time of year I dearly miss North Carolina. The golden, crimson colors of the changing leaves made me feel like I was inside of a postcard. I'd drive my old, straight shift car in those curvy roads. I often didn't have destination. My goal was to get lost in the beauty of God's handwork. That my friends, is the best time to look at the changing leaves.

When you move away from a place, it seems that the only thing you really take with you are those mental pictures. Hopefully, they are mostly happy. That's North Carolina in the Fall to me: beautiful mental pictures. I remember the leaves changing, the cooler air and the joy that this new season bring. The hope of Thanksgiving, the taste of holiday meals and the laughter with friends. Carolina in my Mind is the soundtrack of my Fall. 

I open my eyes and I am right back in the heat of Texas. I've given birth in the heat of this summer. No wonder my child is fierce. I've suffered the effects of heat and humidity, and it made me wiser and stronger. 

Still, I miss my Carolina Autumns. All I had to do was to look outside of my window where my older kids played and played in those golden leaves. I hope these memories will never fade away. For I am determined that this crazy love for Texas is here to stay. All while missing my North Carolina Autumn. 

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What's Trending in your World?

I have a confession: I was not an early adopter of Facebook. I remember people talking about it during my Ole Miss years but I was too busy getting a Masters Degree. Then I got too busy at my first job. When I was expecting my first son, I gave Twitter a chance then eventually I joined Facebook. My least favorite thing about Facebook is the “Trending” section. It’s irrelevant, it’s annoying and I can’t stop reading it.

The other day, after clicking away at “Trending” (and hoping no one found out I do that), I realized why it works. Someone, in the FB headquarters, decided that piece of information is important so the whole world should read it.

We all have a “Trending” display in our lives. Your “Trending” might be different from mine. I wonder if you’d consider these questions:

What’s Trending in your Family? • what’s the latest, coolest thing you guys are enjoying? What can we learn from your family's trend?

What’s Trending in your Friendships? • what has been your latest friendship lesson? You’re never stuck you know? You’re either making progress or regressing in relationships. What have you learned in that area?

What’s Trending in your Character? • Life has a way of offering you promotions disguised in challenges. Those challenges help develop your character. What’s your latest character development victory? How did you get there?

What’s Trending in your Faith Walk? • This is by far my favorite. I often ask people: “what is God teaching you lately?” I get an array of answers. I like the honest ones better because they encourage me in my own faith walk.

I promise I will forever avoid getting caught in the FB "Trending" click fest. I also promise to answer these four questions more often and encourage others with my answers.

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The Cute Dress

The dress looked cute. Not too conservative, not too contemporary. It was going to be the right one for my first job interview in 10 years. I was going to choose some happy, colorful summer pants and a black shirt but I thought I needed to look extra professional. After Facetiming with my husband I made the final decision on the cute dress. To make matters better, it was $10 cheaper than the sale price.

I took the dress home and my almost kindergartner thought it was a night gown. One of the old school ones that Mama Walton wore right before she said “Good night John Boy!” I told her it was a great observation, but that was my new, cute dress. I hung the dress in my closet, relieved that I was closer to getting done with that job interview.

The following morning I drank two cups of dark roast coffee with almond milk. There was no time for breakfast. I didn’t want a heavy meal to be seen under that cute interview dress. My idea of an outfit worked: low shoes, the necklace I got for under $2 at the Goodwill and bracelets that different friends gave me. I felt as if I was carrying a little piece of each friend with me as I accessorized my cute dress. Off we went. It took me a whole Podcast to get there and I was feeling excited. I proceeded to get out of the parking garage just to find out I was lost. I got back in my car after asking for directions and found the right place.

It felt good to be there. Almost as if I belonged. I proceeded to find the reception area. I saw a lot of different people there waiting to be helped. The whole place was under construction and there was  an impecunious vibe about it. I know hopelessness when I see it and I pray that feeling changed once those sweet people got to the other side of that waiting room.

I made it to the receptionist who tried to find the person with whom I had the appointment. I was told to wait. After a few minutes she passed by the reception area with an opulent air about herself. She gave me the feeble hand shake, the one you give when you’re really not trying to touch someone. She looked at me up and down with a demeaning look. She glanced at the cute dress but she could not belittle me: I’m allergic to pretentiousness, mostly due to my acceptance in the Beloved.

She proceeded to explain I made an error, all with a defensive tone. I joyfully reminded her of the unanswered email and phone call from the day before. She paused, a dry apology followed. I received it with the joy of the Lord. I was looking her in the eyes and I had appreciation. She told me they had moved on to other candidates. Before she breathed again, I said “that’s what I came here to hear, thank you for your time and have a blessed day.”

I didn’t feel my cute dress on the way home. That feeling of newness and expectation stayed in that waiting room, with those people without hope. All I could feel was my heart beating underneath the cute dress and my vision opening up like never before.

I got back to my senses when a friend led me to pray and thank God for answering prayers. All I could do was agree and say Amen. I hung my dress backwards in my bathroom and I put on my t-shirt and comfortable pants. The dress still looks cute and the woman who owns it is a little bit stronger after accepting that a big No is God’s way of telling her the greater Yes He has in mind is the best way to go.

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Friendly Reminder: Don't Give Up!

We all have purpose in life and I came to treasure the ones I get along the way. It might come from a person who knows me well or a complete stranger. Encouragement is always welcome. Yesterday my husband and I received some great news. In the midst of rejoicing the answered prayers, I couldn’t help but remember all the people who shared their concerns with me. It was tempting to have a heavy heart because of all the needs but I decided to believe that God is willing and able to answer those prayers too.
This morning I sent out a tweet that summarized my latest thoughts:

#Goodmorning! Keep Believing. If it hasn't happened, it will. Your character is getting stronger & your faith firmer. Don't give up!

This is my friendly reminder to you: Do not give up! Even if you take a small step it is still Progress. Remember that most great things come with great effort and you are well able to finish your race. I encourage you to finish strong. Have a day filled with courage!

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When Reality and Humor Meet

I had brilliant plans for my son's birthday. The invitations were sent, friends confirmed their presence and then, life happened. I found myself at home the day before the party with a to-do list and a sick husband. As we sang happy birthday my husband didn't feel any better so I took him to the ER that evening. He had a virus so we cancelled the party. Because LP's birthday cake (tres leches) was ready, I decided to take it to church and celebrate with his class. In my mind we'd have a pretty good crowd of 35 people but instead there were 10 people there at the time of this photo:

Real b-day party photo: kids looking lost, mom smiling.

Friends, my son's birthday was yet another lesson on flexibility when things don't go as planned. I had to ask myself, 'what's really important?' My husband's health is a priority, as well as making sure we celebrated my son's birthday. Believe it or not, the only thing the little boy had been asking for was 'aveia' (oatmeal). He got his aveia on his birthday, a family party as well as plenty time outside playing. He never noticed we had to cancel our celebration. His perspective is simpler than mine and I dare to say, richer.

God did give me the desires of my heart. My husband is feeling much better, I got to run a 5K that weekend (watch the video here) and I got to take this photo:

Official Birthday Picture

Having a family photo in front of the birthday cake is a big deal for me and God knows that. If the weekend couldn't get any more interesting, the baker misspelled his name on the cake. My first reaction was, 'good thing ain't nobody coming to the house so they won't see this.' My second reaction was, 'wait a minute, I can't have my son look at this cake 30 years from now and ask who is the boy we were celebrating.' I went to the church's kitchen, scraped the first letter with a knife and got a hold of the catchup so I got this:

yeah, that's ketchup but his name was spelled correctly

I know I ain't in control of the major events that happened that weekend but I felt I could manage the spelling of his name. When Reality and Humor met I was left thinking that after all was said and done I was only in control of my attitude.

My prayer is that God will continue to help me get on board with His plan, which is always better than mine (misspellings considered).

• Do you have problems accepting God's plan for your life? Please share.

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Mother-In-Law Relationships: Sour or Sweet?

*Take the Boxing Gloves Off

I've been avoiding a post about my mother-in-law (MIL) for obvious reasons. I haven't written a post about her (positive or negative) since this blog started. Why wait until now? I wanted to make sure I was free from hurt. I wanted to make sure I was respectful. I also wanted it to be special. 

I met my MIL right before I started dating my husband. Zeke and I had a long-distance relationship. He was 1 hour and a half away in school and I lived around 30 miles away from his parents. It was common for me to visit their house on occasion. I remember sitting in her kitchen just talking to her and my late father-in-law. We had a great relationship until the Christmas eve Zeke and I got engaged. 

I will not bother to tell you why things changed or list different situations from my perspective. What I can tell you is that my MIL is one of the sweetest persons you will ever meet. The fact is, sometimes relationships just go sour. Ours was not great for 6 years. During that time there were ups and downs that taught me a lot about navigating through in-law relationships. Most of the lessons I learned came with a pre-requisite: take the boxing gloves off. It was not easy but glory be to God, our relationship is different today. I did 3 things to encourage me along the way:

1. Prayer. I believe in the power of it. After my heart was not hurting so much I started to pray for my MIL. I'd pray that God would bless her and give her great health. I went a step further and started using positive confessions daily. I used so say something like "my in-laws and I love each other as real family do." I also asked for a few friends to pray for me every time I saw her so that my actions and reactions would be nothing but loving and kind. 

2. Counseling. Talking to Christian counselors about my issues made a world of difference. What you don't want to do is talk to people who are going to throw gas in the fire. I went to counselors who encouraged me to walk towards healing and reconciliation. Those women prayed with me and gave me encouragement as well as practical steps to take. One of the things they told me to do took a lot of courage but proved to be helpful. 

3. Serving. I thought I already knew how to serve my MIL. Doing little things around the house is different from serving her well. You have to know a person in order to give that which will make an impact. I had to find out what her love language was in order to be more effective in serving. The Bible teaches us to serve others wholeheartedly as if we were serving the Lord Jesus. Taking my boxing gloves off were surely required in this situation. Can you picture a waiter trying to serve you a glass of water with boxing gloves? What about bringing you another serving of bread? He or she would make a mess. Clean hands and pure heart are needed when serving. Knowing more means serving with greater impact.

I prayed every step of the way. I asked God for an opportunity to learn more about my MIL (the love language deal) and He granted me that. I often prayed about reconciliation, even when my mind couldn't see an end to years of strife.
I stand in a place of healing looking forward to building a strong friendship with one of the best women I've ever met, the woman who birthed and raised my husband. He learned many great things from her and she deserves to be praised for that. 
I don't know where you stand in your relationship with your in-laws. Look at my story as witness of reconciliation through healing, forgiveness and serving. 
I know how it feels to be so hurt that you think things will never get better. I also have tasted and saw the goodness of God restoring a sour relationship. 
I encourage you to seek healing. It might take time but it's worth the effort.
* Illustration credits here and here
Part 2: Mother-in-Law Relationships: Building Bridges
Part 3: Mother-in-Law Relationships: Forgiveness

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The Nursing Dilemma

I decided to give breastfeeding a second chance without any false expectations. You'd think I learned something from my first experience in Breastfeeding... Here is what happened this time.

I didn't get to feed Z Girl til I went up to the my room. The nurse was really encouraging and supportive, so we worked on getting her to latch asap. Little sister girl has a great latch. The problem is that mamãe didn't have any liquid coming out to feed her. We tried the pump and nothing came out. A few hours later we got a little colostrum going.

I was so happy with her latch and her stools were good (meaning she was getting the nutrition she needed) so we never even needed to supplement. 

The first day we got home I kept breastfeeding as normal. We started supplementing the breastfeeding with formula because my milk had not came in after a few days. The baby was still latching but she was crying a lot  because she was hungry.

I was proactive this time. A few days before going to the hospital I started taking FenuGreek (natural supplement that helps milk production). A friend of mine let me borrow her electric pump and I was ready for my milk to come in. A week after the birth I had milk but I wasn't making a whole lot of it. What could have went wrong? I felt less stressed than the first time. I found support and talked to La Leche as well as the lactation consultant from the health department. My husband was supportive and so was my mom who nursed all 5 of us. All I was missing was milk.

At some point before week 2 I decided to cut down on the formula and go with breastmilk alone. My baby lost a lot of weight (which scared the doctor) so we had to keep supplementing with formula. The lactation consultant helped me to know how much milk Z Girl needed in order to gain the correct amount of weight for her age. To rush the milk production I got in another medication. The med costs a little over $80 locally and $38 online. I'm on day 2 and waiting to see if I make more milk that way. If you are wondering, I'm a believer in water so I drink lots of it. People speculate that c-sections cause people not to have milk. Two friends who had who had c-sections breastfed their babies successfully. I have all my basis covered, all we need is more milk.

I know I am not alone. I have a few friends who tried and couldn't make more than 2 oz so they went with formula. I know others who just said the thing hurts and they went with formula. I learned to respect everyone's choices. 

Sometimes I wonder how come breastfeeding works for some chicks but not for me. I heard stories of chicks who took the same meds as I did, prayed, believe it and received plenty milk. 

I heard stories of women who were overflowing with milk when they were in labor. Hearing those stories while I was first waiting for my milk to come made me feel less than, which sucked. It wasn't their fault, it was my own insecurity. 

I have different reasons to pursue nursing. My first one is for the connection between my children and I. I also want to nurse because you're supposed to burn a whole lot of calories while doing it. Selfish ain't it? 

It was hard to admit that this part of life is important to God once I spent time obsessing (there, I said it) over aspect of mothering. I obsessed about having a vaginal birth (didn't get one). I obsessed about breastfeeding and with my second child I didn't get the VBAC I dreamed of and on week 4 the rivers of milk are not here yet.

My husband was the one who reminded me last year that my nursing situation was not a surprise to God. He said I should get Him involved in it. 

I can't compare myself with the chicks who quote scripture and get so much milk they have to be faithful donors of a milk bank. We are all unique and special to God. 

What if God's best for me is feeding my baby Similac? Why should I let others intimidate me?

I also shouldn't be ashamed of my story because it has happened to other women around the world before.

I hope I can offer hope to someone who thinks you are less than a woman because your kid needs to be on formula. I am still trying to get this breastfeeding thing going but I gave myself a limit. Breast is best but better than that is God's unique plan for my kids. He's got it all under control: from what kind of milk they get to where they are going to College. Let's believe God more than we believe stats and old wives stories.

Nursing is not one of those things that are listed in the Bible as one of the requirements to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. I'm glad about that. On the long run breastfeeding matters but being a peace with God's plan for me as mother outweighs that. Regardless if I get to nurse full-time or not, I commit to look at my daughter and remember what's really important.

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Expanding List

5 weeks (or less) to go until LB makes her debut - she still doesn't have a name. I keep getting great ideas and my TO-DO list keeps growing.

What stimulated all that was  the awesome meeting I had with the lady who owns this blog. While I chased my child around her house, she gave me so much to think about and I've been so excited about all I learned. I found a lot of inspiration and some old dreams have came alive as a result of this meeting. Thank you Megan! Be sure to follow her blog and twitter yall. 
Other things that go on my ever expanding list are mundane things I need to do around the house. I never feel like doing most of them and keep wishing the Merry Maids will show up and work their magic. To be honest with you I am really looking forward to birth day because I get off the toilet cleaning duty for a little while. 
Some of the items on my list are:
• Write an e-book
• Clean the laundry room
• Resurrect my WordPress and make it a Nitch blog
What's on your to-do list?

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I wonder why...

I started writing on my diary again yesterday. I've had the same diary for 3 years! I bought one with a lot of pages and lately I haven't been writing much. I started again yesterday. The blog gives me that writer's fix but there's something different about putting your thoughts on paper. I am way more honest. I tend not to read recent entries but I am getting a kick of reading entries of the time Zeke and I were dating. I would write EVERYTHING that happened. Some of the details got lost in our minds but they always come back once we read it. At first I wouldn't let Zeke read my diaries, now is no big deal. He actually prefers that I read them to him (he's like that with books too) which must be a treat cause you can hear the writer in her own voice. I also think about the many diaries I have and how my children might read them. I keep thinking that it would be thrill. My life has been fun. Lots of new places, new people and old friends come back into it every now and then. I'm more excited about the future and how much things will continue to change.

The word that most people tell me when they find out about my pregnancy is CHANGE. One of those conversations happened yesterday. The person meant well but inside of me I was really thinking 'I know but, can you let me live please?' Today I feel that the good thing about that comment was that I can take it as a positive one.

Being in a different culture than mine has been a challenge for as long as I've been in America. It's no different now than it was 10 years ago. I've been challenged and I will continue to be challenge to change and follow God's plan for my life. When it comes to motherhood tough, it seems like everyone suddenly takes ownership of your life and they become experts on how things are going to change so much. My challenge is to stay positive and not to let things get to me. I do believe that experience is not excuse to be invasive in one's privacy and life.

I guess I'm not used to so many strangers giving me advice (whether useful or not). Where was everyone when I moved by myself to my college dorm and my parents were not there to pick me up for holidays? Nobody told me about change then.

Where were those voices when I graduated from grad school? Where were those voices when I married the love of my life? Where were those voices when my health turned from bad to great? There was no one there to say: your life is going to change girl!

It might just be the position I'm in. It might be the culture too. What I experience in Brasil was encouragement on top of encouragement. People didn't give you empty promises, they put their whole selves out there to help you and hold your hand. I got more than words.

It's funny to be in a place where you get words of uncertainty. I asked God what in the world is He trying to give me. Reliance on Him is one thing. When you go through graduation, wedding and maybe child birth without extended family around, you gotta gain more of a dependence on Him.

This is not a post to complain about life and the people who surround me with sometimes unwelcome comments. This is a post of wonder. I wonder, oh I wonder what is God giving me through this situation. Many things might change from here til May. One thing I know, I've developed dependence on God living in America. He's preparing me for something. The curriculum may seem strange but one day I'll look back and even if I don't understand it all, I will be able to say, THANK YOU GOD for being with me all the way. He's the greatest friend of all, have you heard?

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Confession and Pregnancy

My pregnancy will be as good as my confession. That dawned on me this week. I became more sensitive and that’s another reason why I should practice positive confessions.
I had to change my confession in order to become a healthier woman a few years ago. What I allow to enter my mind also influences how positive my confessions are. I used to read lots of blogs of women who lost many pounds but whose minds were still negative (thus, the constant fear of gaining all the weight back, the constant unforgiveness towards self and others for hurts from the past, etc). I no longer read material that does not add to my life by giving me the true hope that comes from knowing the freedom that Jesus gives. I tossed Cosmo, Essence, Ebony, you name it. If it's not talking about the freedom that all humans have in Jesus, I'm not reading. If it's steryotyping women and montly telling me I'm not good enough, don't expect me to read it. I was bought with a price, no longer do I have to go back under slavery.

Is time to surround myself with the Word of God. Have you had a day where you realize that you need to read the pure word of God all day? Yesterday was one of those days for me. It settles down deep inside of me and it brings joy. Most women's magazines can never make me feel that way. Don't fool yourself, the media influences what you think about yourself girl friend.

You say what you believe. If you call yourself fat all that time (even sometimes) that’s what you believe. That’s what’s in your heart. Joyce Meyer explains this process really well:

“When we react negatively, we allow fear to take over our thinking. We begin to dwell on things that haven’t even happened and may not happen. Our negative thoughts cause us to speak the words that’ll shape our future. Believing is the first important step to switching our thinking from being negative to positive. Remember, what’s in our hearts and minds will come out of our mouths. If our soul (mind, will and emotions) is full of negative things, we’ll find those things coming our way. On the other hand, when we hear, read, think and talk about God, the Truth and more positive things, we’ll find that those good things will come our way. The choice is ours!” Read the whole article here

So, I have a choice to confess positive things such as “I have a healthy pregnancy, I will have a healthy baby and a blessed delivery."
"I will get back to my pre-pregnancy weight and I will continue to eat well and exercise throughout my pregnancy and beyond. I will weigh what God wants me to weigh."

In the book Me and My Big Mouth, Joyce Meyer lists the confessions she used for years. I encourage you to make your own list of confessions based on the Word of God.

I refuse to be under the circumstances if God said I’m the head, I’m above and not beneath.
What do you want? Have you been confessing it often? That’s my challenge this season.

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