When Honoring parents is difficult

My parents in 1980. I'm the baby.

 “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." 

Ex. 20:12 (NIV)

I can't remember when I first heard this verse being quoted around me but I do remember when I saw it fleshed out.

I saw honor given to parents (and in-laws) during moments of conflict. I saw people respecting their elders while clearly understanding that things could have been easier. I learned by experience that the words of the Bible have more weight than personal preferences and even human reason. 

None of these instances involved crime, danger, or violence. I believe the law and officials in place should protect us from unlawful practices. 

I also believe that God has a lot of insight to give us when He requires (it is a commandment) that we would honor the people who gave us birth.

I believe in honor not only because of what I observed growing up in Brazil but mostly because of the conviction I feel to obey the words of the God of the Bible. 

The word of God is so compelling. The more I get to know His character, the more I find myself desiring to obey Him.

Obedience in this area, depending on your life circumstances, is neither convenient nor easy. 

It isn't convenient because most digital content, from birth to adulthood, is created to insight the dishonor of parents. It is as explicit as an entire book or as subtle as a light comment such as "When I have kids I will never..." The entire culture is practicing dishonor to parents. I see Christians joining this practice without thinking about what God requires of us. 

This isn't my first (or last) writing on the subject. The last thing I wrote about it, a good friend asked me to lunch. During our time together, she said, "I read your blog post about honor. Can you tell me this: how do I honor someone who repeatedly harmed me as a child?" 

I was honest with my friend and told her I do not know. I expressed how sorry I was for what was done to her. She didn't deserve that type of treatment. 

I didn't sugarcoat the fact that while I didn't have the answers there were wise people around who could help her get the Bible application she wanted. 

We spent a little time speaking about God's character. We also spent time brainstorming who would be a better person to guide my friend's search for demonstrating honor as God requires. 

I am proud of my friend for building a life that is wholesome, happy, and free. She was doing the work. She sought help in every area of her life. I admire people who get curious about what God requires. I admire people who ask, "given my set of circumstances, how can I obey you God?"

God is not unfamiliar with questions, fear, and even doubt. Take Gideon for example in Judges 6:13. God tells him to do something bold. His answer is, "pardon me, but I really don't see how this can happen." 

I see God's patience, kindness, and care for Gideon. I see God calming fears and encouraging faith, no matter how many times Gideon asked for a sign. 

It takes courage to honor parents, depending on what type of parents you had. I want to propose that we can ask God the question: "How so?" I want to guarantee that God will answer you. 

Venting on the internet is easy. For years, I've been concerned about this culture of using phone cameras to get a laugh out of people who can't defend themselves. 

I saw a group of teenagers entering a store. Holding up their cameras, they were acting like they were up to getting a viral video come what may. A few feet in front of them was an elderly man in his 80s. He was alone. He was dragging his feet behind his grocery cart with some difficulty. His underwear was showing. I ran next to the man and whispered, "Sir, your underwear is showing. You may want to fix your pants." He said thank you and he fixed his pants. The teens went to another area of the store.

It's easy to both record a video to make fun of someone. It's easy to laugh at it and share it with others. That's the world we live in. 

The God we serve has different standards. Do we even bother to think about matters of honor as we live our digital lives? I think we can and we should. 

It may be convenient to show dishonor but God's way is the way of wisdom. We can be wise and choose to honor. 

Honoring parents isn't easy. Take my friend for example. You mean someone harms me and then I have to turn around and show honor? Well, yes. 

Jesus' teaching in Matthew 5:38-47 is a good place to start. He said, "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous." (v.44-45). 

While I hope most of my reader's parents are not their enemies, I won't make any assumptions about your past. I also will not tell you that Jesus didn't say what He did. He loved Judas. He prayed for Peter and He gave him another chance. Jesus demonstrated love towards enemies and friends who betrayed him. There was no disrespect towards parents displayed in the life of Jesus because He didn't come to abolish the law but to fulfill it. 

Back at me and my ancestors. God didn't create perfect people. You can see it in the Bible and you can see it in your bloodline. I say this because I want to tell you about a chance I had to dishonor my parents in a professional setting. 

The icebreaker was meant to be an exercise of everyone in the room telling a story of how messed up their parents were. We were asked to find a way to display a flaw or something bad they did. 

I will be honest with you. I froze. The first person went. A few laughs were shared during the second person's story. My heart was sinking. When it was my turn, I said, "no, I won't share." 

The leader was furious. This is a calm and collected person. I know fury and anger and I'm not scared of them. The entire room was looking at me, wondering how I was going to react. 

Out of incredible peace, I said, "You know, the older I get, the more I understand my parents. When I became a mother, my level of understanding of my parents expanded. My brother recently went to Brazil. He came back with stories from my parents' childhood none of us knew. My level of empathy for my parents and the life they lived grew. I'm sorry but I will not dishonor my parents." 

I learned so much about what it means to follow God's word that day. I also learned that Christians worry about "big" sins while daily life reminds us that God cares about all sins, dishonor included. 

It is not easy to honor but it is always a choice. I want to choose the wise thing to do daily.

Internet trends of dishonoring parents may seem easy to join. I think people want to speak their truth (and they should) as well as have someone listen to their story (as they should). 

The problem with dishonoring parents on the internet (or during work meetings), is that our root problem is not necessarily fixed. 

Yes friend, I do understand and support your free speech and your freedom to engage in any form of digital expression. 

Here's what I want to know: are you still bound after that story disappears? Do you still carry the same pain you've been carrying for years? Are you still toying with unforgiveness? 

If the answer is yes, something has to change. I know some daughter-mother relationships are so complex that you think you may never have that honest conversation. I sense some of you tried to no avail. Others wish they could have conversations but that opportunity is forever gone. 

God knows. He was there. He is still there. Honor is His invention, requirement, and way. He can show you how to apply honor in your life. 

I hope my words caused you to think. Think about your place in a culture that is supposed to have disregard for everything your God is asking you to do. What He requires, if obeyed, carries a blessing. Honor your father and your mother is the first promise with a blessing. 

I want and very much need to be blessed. I want to use my brain in a culture that expects me not to. I want to use my mind to serve God. I want to be wise in the ways I express myself online. 

God is okay with me being raw and real. Just read the Psalms. He's okay with all of those. 

God is okay with our questions, fear, and brokenness. He is not okay with dishonor. 

I invite you to pray that we can bravely apply God's command to honor parents. God created your family line so He knows the ins and outs of everyone's personalities and proclivities. 

I invite you to trust a God who can transform your relationship with your parents as an adult. I know, you didn't see this coming did you? God can. All you need to do is agree to do things His way. 

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Encouraging thoughts on Change

Transition is a constant matter in life. When you move, you go through quite a bit of it. I am learning I can't avoid transitions. How I go through them informs what comes next. 

In the past, I thought of transitions as painful. Some truly were. Recently, through a workout strategy session, I learned to see transitions as manageable. 

I was attending my first CrossFit competition. My team, headed by one of my coaches, was talking about strategy. We were to split the workout into an equal and effective way. There was no doubt we could do the work required. The transitions are what slow you down so we had to pay attention to them. We needed a strategy.

We prepared for the workout through communication. We talked about what our strengths and weaknesses were. We agreed on who would start the workout and who would continue from there. 

We went on to warm up for the competition. Warming up is important because it allows your body to be better conditioned for what's to come. During the competition, communication continues to be important. We decided to communicate out loud, checking with one another to find out when it was time to take over. 

That day, transitions became something intimidating and uncontrollable to something I can control. Once I identified how I was going to face transition and who was with me to help me, everything took on a different note. 

We ended up winning that competition. Winning is good but the greatest gain was this new knowledge of transitions.

Moving can hurt the heart. I recently met someone who called it a minor trauma. I see moving as a transition. 

While some moves are more challenging than others, I am learning to prepare and cope with this normal transition of life. 

We all transition in life. Our kids transition from elementary to middle school. We transition from old jobs to new careers. Some people transition to a new marital status. Many years ago, I transitioned from Brazil to the United States. 

We all can learn how to make transition manageable. 

Transitions are not meant to be permanent. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it is difficult. I am learning that we can waste time if we remain paralyzed by our fears. Fear robs us of agency. When we don't have agency, our self-efficacy suffers. 

I'm here to tell you that it is okay to feel your feelings. I certainly feel mine. I remember crying so much during previous moves. The pain was immense. Still, I held on to my faith and somehow, kept going. I kept unpacking boxes. I kept cooking dinner for my family. I kept writing and creating. Life is made of the feelings we feel and the actions we choose to take. Both things exist together. 

How can you "split the work" during your transition? If you are switching careers, can you ask for help during your first weeks adapting to new demands? If your kids are transitioning to a new school, can you offer them some extra time to talk? Can you make room for soothing family activities as they adapt to their new environment? 

Transitions are easier when faced with support. I understand some of us are alone. I came to this country by myself. I wasn't alone. I know God was with me. My family was supporting me from a distance. I called them each chance I had. The warmth of their voice gave me the push I need to adapt to my new life as a freshman in college in a foreign country. 

During times of transition, it pays to ask "who is for me?" We know God is for us. Proceed to list people who truly support you. 

I am currently on the other side of our transition since we moved to Georgia. Thank God, it has been a peaceful transition for us. 

Still, I prepared for this move the best I knew how. I relied on God's word to give me daily strength. I prayed without ceasing. I also took care of my health. I knew that if I felt better, it would be easier to accomplish everything required of me this season. 

Moving an entire life was not the only thing going on with me. For the other matters at hand, I relied on my husband and trusted friends for prayer and encouragement. I rely on our children to remind me of the simplicity and joy of life. Thank God for the gift of childhood. 

I decided that my transition would be easier if I was practicing CrossFit regularly. Thank God I found a place to call home. It became a constant source of encouragement. I'm learning and growing. I'm grateful.

If you are facing the pain of transition today, please know I understand. Encourage yourself with the fact that it won't last always. There are things you can do to manage. You are completely able to make it to the other side. 

While you don't, remember who is for you. God is. Family and friends. 

Remember to take care of yourself. Asking for help is wise. 

Lean on God's faithfulness. He is faithful to guide you and lead you towards His best plan for your life.

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Wild horse

Stress can be a teacher. 16 years ago, I learned I couldn't play around with stress. I made a radical decision to change my lifestyle so the effects of stress wouldn't affect my health. Thank God, my blood pressure has been under control all these years. Even during 3 high-risk pregnancies. 

I can honestly say that I was afraid of stress. It was such an unknown thing in life. I couldn't tame it. I knew I needed to grab ahold of it though it felt like a wild horse. 

In the midst of my search, I heard a preacher say that stress wasn't going away. I needed to learn to manage it. I turned to my real life and kept looking for solutions. I was introduced to stress management tools. Suddenly, the wild horse turned into a manageable pet. 

How did the switch happen?

• It took time • stress management is not a quick fix. It took a while for my mind and body to get in line. While some health changes take place immediately, others take time. It is a steady plotting situation. You plant seeds daily and wait for the harvest to come. 

• I took a plan of action • good intentions did not fix my problem. Neither did inspiration. I needed a plan of action. At first, the plan was to take my medicine and change my fast-food diet into a heart-healthy diet. I became focused on adding 5-6 servings of veggies and fruits daily to my plate. I became focused on making exercise my friend and not my foe. My plan worked. Again, it wasn't fast or immediate. I can honestly say that each year when I go get a medical check-up, seeing good numbers really makes my decision to implement that plan a wise one. 

• It took listening • I listened to God, who created me and loves me. I always thought that the maker of the universe and everything that's within it can and should tell me how to live a healthy life. I also listen to my doctors. Whatever they tell me to do, I basically do. I find their sound advice to work wonders. I also learned to listen to my body. My body tells me when it is stressed out. My body tells me when it is tired. I can't ignore these signs. I have to listen and do what's best.

• It took creativity • every body is different. I decided not to follow a formula for stress management. I decided to creatively do what works for me. If you say (or type) the word "stress" the same solution comes up. This common solution does not work for me. These solutions go against my Christian conviction. While I respect people and their desire to help, I need to be creative when it comes to my own journey. I decided to listen to God and gather an array of solutions that honor God and work for me. Each time I find one, I add it to my personal list. I'm challenging you not to comform to what's prescribed out there. You can be creative and find what works for you. 

I believe that the most challenging question we can ask is to offer our stress management solutions to God and ask Him: "do these honor You?" 

Maturity comes when we hear and obey God. Trust in God is always accompanied by peace. 

These days, stress is still part of my life. I no longer see it as a wild horse. When it shows up, I often say: "oh, I see you there." Then I wonder why is around again. My next step is to call on God for help. Then I use the multiple tools He gave me. 

My last step is to learn. I believe that I should grow as I continue to manage stress. If I don't grow, I will never know how I can improve. If I grow, I can also help others. 

Tell me, how are you doing in your stress management journey?

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Sunday Seven

1. Cultivating closeness as a family is worth the effort. Sometimes, small moments of togetherness take a lot of hours and effort of preparation. It is all worth the effort because of the fruit it brings. 

2. We put songs on repeat because of the way either the melody or lyrics speak to us. Some songs should be on repeat. I guess we keep repeating until we fully believe them.

3. Last month went by swiftly. Now that October is upon us, I am wondering what will we become as a result of the decisions we will make this month. 

4. My favorite thing about the Fall is Thanksgiving. I am glad we are almost there. While we don't, I am finding ways to express my gratitude to God and others. 

5. Our church just finished one out of 3 weeks of fasting and prayer. I learned so much this first week. Mostly that God is better than I can ever imagine. I also learned again that God hears and answers prayers.

6. Digital minimalism is something worth pursuing. It may be hard in the beginning but in the end, life will be so much better with it. 

7. I'm having fun adding array of colorful vegetables to my meals. Not only they become visually appealing but my health benefits from it too.

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Ducks in a roll

I'm not sure why I think that the idea of having my ducks in a roll work for me. It makes sense. It means organizing tasks and scheduling them so that I am ready for the next step.

The problem is life. Life has a way of distracting the ducks so they do not stay in a roll. 

Take kids for example. I remember getting them into a routine. The moment I thought, "I got this" my little ones changed. 

Talking about routine, I feel the same thing about my home. I have and enjoy my routines but things happen. Recently, I had quite a few events happening at my home and I had to be flexible because my routine the week before was different. The events still happened and my attitude adjustment gave me sanity.

I can't relate to the idea of having ducks perfectly in a roll at all times because life is not that predictable. Also, let's be honest and let's observe that ducks do before and after they get on a roll. They roam, eat, poop, scream, and even sleep. People only notice them when they are in a roll. 

I think this is a more realistic way to live. Do what you need to do, when you need to do it with purpose. 

The goal is not to be robotic and synchronized. The goal is to find purpose for the tasks at hand. Let me get less theoretical and more practical.

It is almost summertime and the kids are out of school. Our school year schedule is completely gone. While I am grateful I no longer have a tight morning schedule, I miss the predictability it gave me. 

My goal is to find the purpose for the summer. When I have that purpose in mind, creating a summer schedule makes more sense. Our summer schedule is not rigid. We do think about with the purpose in mind but we allow ourselves to enjoy the season for the flexibility it brings.

I will enjoy my free-er mornings. I will enjoy the extra time to prep dinners. I will enjoy teaching and learning new skills. It won't look perfect but it will be purposeful.

How do you feel about the idea of having your ducks on a roll? How does that work during the summer?

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Latte with a friend

Today I had a latte with a friend before heading to work. It was just what I needed. I was actually dreading some bad news all morning. 

I was terribly tired so I missed an important phone call. It took me a while to register the significance of that missed call. Somehow I knew it wasn't going to be good news. 

Still, I went on with my day. CrossFit was going to be difficult but I fixed my mindset before getting there. I thought, "I need this workout, no matter how tough." I worked out and sweated a bunch. I was blessed to know I had the health and strength to complete that physical challenge. 

At home, the kids were gearing up for a day of final exams. They were rested, excited and I assured them of our love and God's presence. 

I needed that assurance for myself. I texted my missed call friend and proceeded to meet my friend from coffee. 

The coffee date was lovely. It was a blessing just to sit for a while. Friendship is a gift in the midst of uncertainty. It helped me treasure the gift of life. I'm amazed at what a face-to-face with a friend can do to one's spirit. 

I called my husband and told him about the missed call. He told me to call back. I did. 

The bad news came and I was able to talk to my friend. We are going to stay in touch and connect later. It wasn't until I arrived at work that my feelings caught up with me. 

I told myself to just let go and cry. So I did. I cried until I didn't want to cry anymore. I'm sure I'll cry later too. Losing someone you love is not easy. Any cliche on earth can't make up for the fact that a loved one is gone forever. All that's left are memories. And pictures. And the funny things we remember about the ones who are gone. I'll treasure the joy. 

This loss was so big. I had to stop to cry. 

I also had to think, "how should I honor?" 

The answer will be shown in how I live my life. 

Making time for latte with a friend is a way to honor the one I lost. 

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Camp Listenbee 2019

Mississippi one, two, three!

We decided that the worst part of summer is that it ends. How we love our summers! Birthdays, celebration of motherhood and fatherhood are of them. We swim, we travel and we always learn something new.

This summer was one of learning and reflecting. Here’s what we learned:

Contentment - we learned we can do the best with what we have. I work in a wealthy area of Houston. I saw a lot of summer camp opportunities come to my inbox. Just for fun, I decided to pretend like I was going to sign the kids up to all of them. The imaginary bill was $20,000. I obviously rolled my eyes and decided that contentment was a good thing. I applied for scholarships and God blessed us with a few. We saved and the kids were able to be part of some cultural enhancing camps. Doing the best I can with what I have is one of the themes of my life.

Time - We started the summer explaining time management to the kids. The manual pie chart I created made a big impression on the kids. I explained what happens within 24 hours. I told them, one simply does not sit to watch TV the entire day. Other things need to get done and the sum of it all makes up a day. We made the difficult decision to take away tablets this summer. After the small, momentary discomfort, the kids were more alert to the life giving opportunities the summer provides. No one makes their best memories with their nose on tablet. I am okay with the perception that comes with taking such a stand if in return, I raise children to who can look an adult in the eyes and have a respectful conversation.

Financial Literacy - The kids learned to save and manage money this summer. I believe money management is a great skill to have. We opened savings accounts. They managed their money and learned from their mistakes.

We'll look extra cute for free Chick-fil-A!

I reflected on the goodness of God towards us. I reflected on the great “off line” things I witnessed. The friends who took the time to spend time with us. The family members we visited. The closeness of our family and the growth we all experience. I am even thankful because I learned from my own mistakes.

At the end of the summer, I don’t have expensive vacation photos to show. I don’t have perfect children who finished the library’s summer reading challenge. What I have is more important than that. I have thankfulness for the amazing summer God gave us. We used what we had and it was exactly what we needed.

More in this series:

• Camp Listenbee 2018

• Camp Listenbee 2017
• Camp Listenbee 2016
• Camp Listenbee 2013
• Summer Organization Tips for Mothers of Preschoolers
• Preschool Summer Camp Coop

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How to teach the Bible to Kids in 4 steps

If you are a person who is frustrated because you don't know the Bible well yet, you feel your kids need to know the Bible, this is the post for you. 

The first step is not to be embarrassed. Everyone has to start somewhere. Leave your shame and regrets behind and get ready to embark in a great adventure with God and with your family.

The second step is to remember that you can't give what you don't have. We need the word of God in us in order to pass it on to our children. I am not saying you need to become a scholar. I am saying that you will need to step up and read the Bible for yourself as you guide your children.

This is a great time to answer a good question. Why not let the church do all the Bible teaching? Why must moms teach the Bible to their kids? Deuteronomy 6:6-7 (ESV) says:

"And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise."

God made it clear that His words need to be in us and we are to diligently teach them to our children. Parents should partner with the church to teach children the Bible. Think about it this way: in the light of eternity, we are responsible for teaching our children about our faith. The church is a supplement to the teaching that happens at home.

We know how to be diligent. Parents are diligent about attending every sports team practice and games they sign up their kids to participate. Parents take kids to and fro music lessons. Diligence means calling the doctor and setting up appointments because the health of our children is of great priority. Diligence means knowing what your kids want for Christmas and watching their happy faces (or mad faces... ask me how I know) on Christmas morning.

We can be diligent with our own faith and the faith of our children.

The third step is to make sure our kids see us reading the Bible. That's the only way they will know it's important. I know I'm stepping on the toes of the person who says their faith is private. Entertain my theory for a sec. When it comes to children, more is caught than taught. If they see me reading my Bible and praying, they will have a visual of what it means to grab a hold of God.

A few years ago, I decided to use an actual book when reading the Bible. My kids were little and they didn't understand if I was reading the Bible or looking at social media. I also decided that they need to know what touching the Bible and flipping the pages feels like. I want them to know how to properly take care of the Bible. I also wanted to teach them about different versions. When they grow up they can make such choices for themselves. For now, I am putting the effort to connect my love for God to His word. And yes, I use my app quite a bit, mostly when I'm by myself.

The fourth step is to start small. If the Bible is foreign to your kids, you might want to cover the basics. I'll add a few resources at the end of this post. I like the seasonal approach. Because Christmas is coming up, we have been reading Luke 1. We cover a few verses at the time (because, attention span) and we talk about what we read. If your kids are smaller than mine, you can read the Bible to them. The key is to remember that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. I use a real Bible, not a book about the Bible. I also give tips on what to read to my kids. I always tell them the Gospels, Psalms and Proverbs are great books to read. I have a child who was interested in Revelation and I was like, go ahead! There had been lots of questions about heaven lately. I sometimes cover whatever topic they want to learn about. Last summer, one of my kids wanted to know who Ezekiel was. We covered his life and we read a few main Bible verses.

I'm here to tell you that you have what it takes to teach the Bible to your children. You can't run away from this assignment God gave you as His child. Let go of the embarrassment. There's no use to feel ashamed that you are not all-knowing when it comes to Biblical scholarship. God's brilliance in writing the Bible is such that a 1-year-old can understand it and a scholar can't get deep enough it. The Bible is for everyone, you included.
Remember you can't give what you don't have. Start reading the Bible as a habit. How will you find the time? Cut down your mindless social media scrolling for 15 minutes. You're welcome.
Make sure your kids see you reading the Bible. I often read before they wake up but I make sure I'm not a secret agent for Jesus and I live my faith out loud often. More is caught than taught.
Finally, start small. Start with one verse at the end of the day. God will guide you and lead you in this amazing journey.
Let me know how your process goes!

Resources:

The Holy Bible - because we don't need one more book about how to read the Bible. Just do it!
Merry Ministries Podcast and notes - if you want to know more about the Bible, this is my favorite resource. I listen to it when I'm doing chores. There are notes and teachings on all books of the Bible. I personally know the teacher and founder. She's been faithfully teaching the Bible for decades. 

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